SNOW.

It’s everywhere. There’s a run on the liquor stores, everybody’s Facebook got their “omg p0wer’z out!!!” statuses and almost 28 percent of Pepco customers in the area are “affected”:

(If you’re curious, the Pepco interactive outage map is pretty cool looking. If only they were as efficient at fixing things as they were at compiling data.)

D.C and P.G. County public schools are closed tomorrow; no word from our school yet but someone on a sorority listserv writes that she’s heard from someone “close to the university” that the university will be closed tomorrow. There you have it folks — it falls to you whether or not you believe both a sorority girl AND an anonymous source. The official word will allegedly come from the UMD emergency preparedness website.

—Rich

No-poop advisory: Tydings, floor 1

[Edit 1/25/11, 17:30: As of about an hour ago, this bathroom was completely out of commission — “OUT OF ORDER” sign and all. Also the water fountains on the floor didn’t appear to be working either. May be a larger problem than just a vile poo.]

Heads up, folks — some prolifically digestive individual has dropped a deuce in the first-floor men’s bathroom in Tydings that could be  classified as a terrorist act. I just wandered in to wash my hands and I swear I could hear Osama bin Laden recording a new audio tape in one of the stalls.

Speaking of hand-washing, the review of this bathroom has been downgraded to “one of the worst” because it was discovered today that the sinks don’t work and every government major poops there every day at least twice.

Careful out there, comrades.

—Rich

Lamorne Morris: The Man Who Sells You Everything

There are a lot of television commercials. We did the math. There are more than 120,000 members in the Screen Actors Guild competing for thousands of roles in thousands of commercials in hundreds of markets across America.

If you multiply that out, it works out to be about 400,000,000 opportunities to be in a commercial, and one guy — Lamorne Morris — has taken, after a careful audit by Bathroom Inventory researchers, every single one of them.

You know who he is — Morris is the dude that told his girlfriend “I love your teeth” in that Miller commercial:

BUT he’s also pushing impractical pickup lines for Chili’s:

And he’s one of the “smile and make a lot of goddamn noise” brothers for 7-Up:

And the Twix mascot, which is now just an adulterous guy who takes his girlfriend to crappy restaurants:

Wow, he’s been busy, right? But he’s not done. He’s also a flak for Vegas, McDonald’s, and, in a particularly creepy turn, Edge Active Care aftershave. HOW IS THIS GUY GETTING EVERY ROLE IN EVERY COMMERCIAL? He’s got a nice face? I have a nice face too, but I’m going to have to get a job sewing soccer balls in southeast Asia while old Lamorne Morris gets as many endorsement deals as Roger Federer, the world’s most popular used-to-be-a-champion. He’s even stealing minor background parts holding leaf blowers or whatever:

COME ON LAMORNE. Leave some for the rest of us. Also, somebody needs to come over here and unplug my television because I am watching too, too much.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, floor 1

Directions: Go in the ground-floor entrance at the mall side of the building and go up the main stairs one flight. Apparently when they built this building during the Revolutionary War they didn’t understand that the “first” floor meant the “first one you get to when you walk in the damned door.” But go up the steps and turn left. Follow the hallway around one corner and it will be on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

It’s not gross, it’s just old. Which, if you’ve ever been to a nursing home, are two adjectives that are easily confused.

Odor: D+

Could have just been the suspicious-looking kid that was shuffling out, but a field of spring flowers this joint is not.

Solitude: F

Disastrously overcrowded.

Lighting: D+

It feels like the weird brown tile is sucking up all the light in here. You won’t get any reading done here.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucets (useless.)

Note: It’s old. There’s nothing you can really do about that other than the old “build a new bathroom” approach, so you’ll have to deal with that. What you might not be able to deal with  are the SINKS. They’re horrible. A “drizzle” is being generous here. Completely unfunctioning. It’s also got those old-style urinals that are pretty much inviting all the weird unbalanced freshmen to check out your coin purse.

—Rich

The Fresh Roll: Turtle REPLACED?!

We might have a new bar in town! Like, a real one! From the PG Gazette’s David Hill:

The now-defunct Thirsty Turtle bar in College Park could soon be replaced, and city officials hope its proposed replacement won’t prove as problematic as its predecessors.

John McManus, owner of The Barking Dog in Bethesda, has expressed interest in opening a second location at 7416 Baltimore Ave. in College Park, formerly home to Thirsty Turtle. McManus is scheduled to go before the Prince George’s County Board of License Commissioners on Feb. 22 to request a liquor license for the property.

But, from Bailey Henneberg at College Park Patch:

Although McManus’ liquor license for 7416 Baltimore Ave. is on the Board of License Commissioners’ official agenda, his plans may not be set. Patch talked with The Barking Dog’s general manager Christiana Hallas Tuesday afternoon about the potential for McManus starting a new operation in College Park.

“As far as I know, he’s not inquired into that,” said Hallas, who has worked for McManus for 10 years. She recalled times in the past when he looked into establishing new locations, but those didn’t pan out.

“I talk to him more than my husband,” Hallas said, explaining that he normally lets her in on his plans, yet she has heard nothing about him setting up in the Thirsty Turtle’s spot.

Sounds like this McManus character is a secretive fellow, keeping his plans from his general manager. I like it. Secretive fellows let more high-schoolers dance on their bar and get squirted with water. Also I think old Christiana needs marriage counseling.

Also revealed: Turtle owner Alan Wanuck has 17 years left on his lease. I don’t know a lot about leasing things, but I don’t know that I would sign up for anything and promise to stick around for two decades. That’s like, three marriages, minimum.

We’ll keep you updated.

—Rich

Today in creepy news stories

From Failblog:
Holy crap.

–Rich

UMD SPORCLE CHAMPIONS

WE’VE DONE IT! University of Maryland users became the number one users of Sporcle in the ENTIRE COUNTRY last week, overtaking the pale, shivering bastards at the University of Michigan with a mind-blowing 105,840 points.

"World fucking champions."

I don’t have any idea what these points signify, but the Terps have more than anybody else so a big “hell yeah” goes out to all you Sporclers stepping it up and hitting those ambiguous benchmarks. Our football team may be playing a cold-weather bowl against some crap called “East Carolina,” but our pointless online quiz ranking is primo.

The ACC as a whole was very well represented: Boston College came in fourth and UNC took the 6 spot, and the rest of the ACC schools made the top 25 except for Virginia, Florida State and Miami. No surprises there. Chumps.

–Rich

[hat tip: David P. from the windy city]

The Fresh Roll exclusive: 7-Eleven to get REAL renovated, son

The 7-Eleven on Knox Road will be closing next Wednesday until Jan. 22, according to the owner. He is nice. His name is Million. He has a mustache.

And they’re planning big things: he said workers will be working in around-the-clock shifts to finish the job before the spring semester starts.

They plan to expand the rear of the store by 12 feet, shift the registers over to the left wall and put the drink fridges in the middle, where the candy is now. He said it’s going to be “a whole new store.” I am inclined to enthusiastically agree, so long as this “new store” still sells iced tea and taquitos. Is there an ‘s’ in that? Taquitoes? I don’t know; spell check is flummoxed too.

In other news, the China Cafe, that random Chinese restaurant next door to the 7-Eleven, will be opening back up Dec. 15. No word yet on if anyone cares.

—Rich

The Fresh Roll Exclusive: 7-ELEVEN CLOSING

Update 12/8: An employee reports Wednesday, Dec. 15 will be the last night 7-Eleven will be open.

—
The 7-Eleven on Knox Road in College Park will be closing for renovations sometime after finals week, according to two employees at the store, one of whom said it would be two months before they opened up again. No word yet on where the hell we’re supposed to get our cheeseburger big bites at 4 a.m. now. More to come very soon.

—Rich

What do you want.

As this ridiculous semester comes to a close, I will have much more time to devote to this, my most favorite of efforts ever. What do you lovely, loyal, patient readers want? More bathroom reviews? More stupid, stupid videos? Both? Neither?

–Rich

McKeldin “geyser”?

Text message from a reader:

“Breaking news: manhole by mckeldin just exploded and there is a ferocious geyser. So close to dying this morning haha”

Unconfirmed; I’m in class but it sounds awesomeee

–Rich