Category Archives: B

Francis Scott Key Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of Key, at the top of the big concrete steps. Turn left, then make your first right down the hallway. It will be on your right.

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Cleanliness: D-

It’s not a “this is a dirty bathroom” problem, it’s a “this is a dirty room” thing. People aren’t pissing on the walls, but the place is just regular filthy. The floors are actually brown and olive drab, and I’m honestly not sure they were originally that color. The urinals have turned gray with age, and the stalls have awkward patches were the paint looks like it’s been worn off by frictional forces I will never understand.

Odor: B-

The place really tricked me on this one. It looks like a bathroom at a crappy public park, but if you were blind, you probably wouldn’t be too skeeved out.

Solitude: C

A good amount of stalls on a floor that’s mostly offices, but the ARHU office is a busy one. Plus it’s in the hallway that’s the main artery between Key and Taliaferro Halls, and apparently people have actually had classes in Taliferro. I don’t know who. But they pee in this thing a lot.

Lighting: B-

The bathroom might actually be improved by lighting that was a little less ambitious. If it’s too dark to read, I want it to be dark enough that I can’t see the horrifying fingernail gashes on the wall.

Facilities

Stalls: 4, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 3, motion faucets

Notes: The bulk of Francis Scott Key Hall was built in 1939 and 1940. I have a theory that this bathroom was actually built before that, and then they let it just sit on the mall for like a decade before eventually building classrooms around it. A very, very run-down operation indeed, especially in light of how polished the rest of the main floor is.

Also, I’m pretty sure I broke my computer’s Photobooth program when I tried to take a picture of the floor — some dude walked in and I slammed the computer shut to keep from looking like a weirdy. Pretty sure it didn’t work.

—Rich

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Lefrak, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the front door of Lefrak. Make a left, then a right and the bathroom will be at the end of the hall. DISCLAIMER: this may or may not be the best (or a viable) method to find this bathroom. Figure it out.

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Cleanliness: B-

The gross floors are always sprinkled with sink water from people frantically shaking their hands dry for lack of paper towels. One towel dispenser is completely useless and the other has a broken handle which exposes a jagged, rusty piece of metal that only fingers of great fortitude and courage can conquer to coax out drying utensils.

Odor: B

By no means terrible, but nothing about this bathroom deserves an ‘A’.

Solitude: C

Four urinals make this bathroom an attractive stop for pissers. Plus, it’s on a floor full of long lectures and labs that students will be itching to escape from. Crowded.

Lighting: D+

A shining example of dimness, the weak lights in here do well to enhance the putrid patterns of gray and off-white that adorn the walls and floor. Everything about this bathroom seems to be working towards the label dingy.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 4, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucets

Notes: A poor final resting place for your turd. Basically all this bathroom has going for it is the trashcans are tiny boxes that are attached to the walls near the sinks instead of resting on the floor. That’s nice. But they aren’t used often considering the difficulty encountered in trying to extract paper towels.

–Jake

Art-Sociology, floor 4, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Walk down the small staircase in front of you and follow the pathway around the atrium. Follow the curve of the path to the right, past the Art Library. In front of you, you will see a set of double-doors. Walk up to them, but then turn left and go through those doors instead, which will lead you into a stairway. Take this to the very top, until your only options are a door to a hallway or a door that says “DANGER: Do not enter.” Do not enter. Really. I tried. Go through the regular, non-warning door and turn left; it’s the first door on your left.

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Cleanliness: B-

It’s ugly, but it will get the job done. Like your grandma: old but as clean as it needs to be.

Odor: B+

It smells curiously of fresh lumber.

Solitude: A+

The only people up here are anthropology majors coming to fellate their TAs.

Lighting: D-

The stalls are straight DARK, yo. Dark.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: A curious facility. There are way more sinks than are necessary, and the toilet in the second stall is practically flush with the ground. Also the urinal design and placement are absolutely bizarre (see below). But overall it’s a great, lonely restroom.

—Rich

Your noble editor-in-chief, absolutely baffled by the urinals up here. Seriously whose idea was this.

Tydings Hall, floor 3

Directions: Get yo’ self to the main staircase in Tydings and take it up to the third floor. Head left and then right at the end of the hall so you see the GVPT advising office. It is on your right.

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Cleanliness: D

With a hideous pattern of random browns and beiges disgracing the floor and the walls, the old bathroom is either actually clean or just does a great job of letting dirt blend in. The problem here is the unreliable toilets. Towards the end of the day, it seems like these three struggle to force down those extra-large dumps.

Odor: B

Not cleaning product, not excrement; just there. With public bathrooms, one assumes any smell is a bad smell, but the lingering scent here is nothing to complain about.

Solitude: A-

The third floor of Tydings has more advising offices than classrooms, which are all small discussion sections anyway. You’re likely better off here than other bathrooms in the building, which all have fairly small cramped stalls anyway.

Lighting: B-

The dim yellow does it’s job well enough, and actually kinda complements the ugly color scheme. It sort of gives off a nostalgic old middle school bathroom vibe. But a good old bathroom. One with character.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: THANK GOODNESS the brilliant bathroom architect put a wall almost right in front of the door so those who walk in can’t peek at people washing their hands. Also of note: the bathrooms in Tydings have a little shelf you can hang your bags or place your notebooks or hide your drugs. When the toilets are flowing, this bathroom is a great place for a quiet shit. Unfortunately, the toilets aren’t always flowing.

—Jake

Thirsty Turtle employee bathroom

Directions: Walk into the Thirsty Turtle and head straight ahead, into the rearmost bar area. Running the length of the back wall, you will see the raised DJ platform. Against the right wall, there is a door. Go through the door and turn to your right — you will see a short set of steps going down to a door. Go through this door and walk through the first door on your left. The only door in this room is the bathroom.

WARNING: If Turtle security catches you back here, there is a 100% probability that you will be choked out. Exercise caution and respect the facility. Be a pooper, not a shithead.

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Cleanliness: C

It’s a bathroom that isn’t open to the public and almost never used for recreational number-twos, so there really isn’t much reason to clean it as well as the super-bleached ones in the bar. But you don’t have to worry about piss on the floor or anything; for the most part, Turtle employees are a sanitary lot.

Odor: B

Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in there. But in my many ventures back there, it never smelled bad.

Solitude: A

It’s a solo bathroom; once you’re in nobody is going to walk in on you. There might be a knock or two, but nobody’s going to bother you here.

Lighting: A-

Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a concern. I can’t imagine what kind of person would bring literature to the Thirsty Turtle.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: It’s there, it’s easy enough to get to, and it’s got a great solitude rating. If you’re just the right amount of drunk and you’re trying to impress a girl, go for it. If you’re too drunk, don’t. DON’T. You’re going to catch a forearm to the trachea.

—Rich

Your esteemed editor in chief, bouncing at the Thirsty Turtle in summer 2009.

Bio-Psych, floor 1, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Bioscience Research Building, on Hornbake Plaza. Turn right and walk through the glass door, then walk straight across the Biology-Psychology Building lobby and through the second set of doors immediately in front of you. It will be in a small alcove directly to your left.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s probably not particularly dirty, but the lighting and weird green paint makes it look a little gross.

Odor: B-

It’s got a bathroomy smell to it, but nothing that’ll cause dry-heaves.

Solitude: B-

It’s in a very well-travelled hallway, but it’s hard to find unless you’re looking for it.

Lighting: D+

It’s not dark, it’s just… weird. Very yellow and occasionally flickery. Much closer to “creepy” than “cozy.”

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2 motion faucets

Notes: A cool little bathroom that makes up for its poor aesthetics with a unique location.

—Rich

McKeldin Library, basement level

Directions: Walk into McKeldin Library and walk to the left side of the welcome desk. If you turn left, you will see a bank of computers in front of you, and there will be a set of stairs to your left. Take these stairs to the basement and turn right at the bottom of the steps. It will be the last door on your right, immediately before the MITH office.

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Cleanliness: A-

Appears to be as old as most of the other bathrooms on the upper levels of the library, but much, much less used.

Odor: B

Like several other bathrooms in the library, this one has a peculiar plastic-y smell to it. We suspect a cleaning product.

Solitude: A-

It’s one of the best-kept secrets at the university, but it’s the only open bathroom for the offices in the basement — that we know of. There is another bathroom down here, and you can find it if you follow the hallway the opposite direction to the Conservation center, but it’s locked with a code.

Lighting: F

How dumb does an architect have to be to fail to account for proper reading light when designing bathrooms IN A LIBRARY? There are horrifying bright lights over the sinks, but no lights over the stalls, and the tall stall separators cast long shadows that make any kind of reading almost impossible.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucets

Notes: It might not be the most aesthetically pleasing facility, but the basement of the library is as creepy as your mom’s uncle’s mustache and this bathroom is chock-full of adventure appeal. You’ve gotta check it out once before you graduate. When you walk in, it’s like walking into the vault of an abandoned bank — you get the feeling you’re the first person to see it since Al Capone was alive.

—Rich Abdill