Tawes, Floor 3

Directions: Facing the side of Tawes with the fountain on it, take a right through the brick gate-type structure. There is a white door on your left which leads to a staircase. Take those stairs up to the 3rd floor and through the door. The bathroom will be on your left.

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Cleanliness: A+

Spotless. As if I was the only person in there all day.

Odor: A+

Sure you can believe it’s good, but A+ good? There was a Glade® PlugIns®.

Solitude: A+

The 3rd floor of Tawes is more or less a maze of offices. Navigate your way to this bathroom and you won’t see anyone.

Lighting: A+

A few heavenly squares on the ceiling and plenty of bright and shiny new tile to surround you with just the right amount of light at all times.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2 manual flush

Notes: Hard to beat this one. If you think you can make it up the stairs without losing control, it’s totally worth the trip. A model restroom.

—Jake

Computer and Space Sciences, Floor 1

Directions: Walk into the doors under the gigantic OIT sign. Make a right and the bathroom will be on your left.

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Cleanliness: C

Everything seemed in order when I walked in, but a quick scan of the stalls revealed that people are too worried about their broken computers to clean up after themselves. Plus the automatic facilities have a massive splash zone. More on that later.

Odor: A

Nothing out of the ordinary or unpleasant.

Solitude: C

Right next to OIT, around a bunch of science classrooms, and not a great place to pick your boogers in front of a mirror in private.

Lighting: A+

Everywhere was nice and bright using an eco-friendly amount of lighting equipment!

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucet

Notes: The urinal is absurdly tiny. The obnoxious stall toilets were made so hyper-sensitive to motion by those damn computer scientists that they will flush unprovoked multiple times and with violent rapidity while you just sit there. Seriously. For a second I thought I was using a bidet.

You don’t want to shit here.

–Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 1

Directions: Enter SQH from the main entrance, across from Commons 1 and 2, and head into the hallway more or less straight across from you. The bathroom is on your right in there.

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Cleanliness: C+

With water consistently on the floor, one has to wonder what the hell is so leaky in here. I shudder to think. Imagine a bunch of shallow pools covering a marble gray floor. Because that is what it is.

Odor: A

It smells fine… the air is just really cold.

Solitude: D

Near a busy entrance to a building full of busy discussion classrooms, this bathroom is usually occupied. Or there will be people hanging out right near it. Because that’s cool.

Lighting: D

Only two small square lights on the ceiling here, neither of which are over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Notes: OK for a piss break or grabbing a tissue, otherwise just keep walking.

—Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 2

Directions: Enter SQH through the side door faces the South Campus Dining Hall. Take the stairs immediately to your right up one floor. Go left to the end of the hallway, then right,  and then I think you go right again but if you get lost the bathroom has a room number: 21-A. Obviously it wasn’t that memorable.

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Cleanliness: B

Better than the first floor because it’s less wet. Still doesn’t appear to be attended to very often.

Odor: A

I think. Maybe my nose is just that stuffed.

Solitude: C

Again, better than the first floor alternative but there are a lot of rooms in use up here to.

Lighting: C-

More light manages to seep through to the stalls here. Basically I’m telling you this is just a slightly better version of the bathroom on the first floor. And that one wasn’t very good.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 4, automatic faucets

Notes: Another below-average bathroom, except for whatever reason, this one has a little foyer between the hallway door and the bathroom door. Two doors. An obvious warning sign: go elsewhere.

—Jake

Woods Hall, basement level

Directions: Walk into the door on the left side of the building facing Marie Mount Hall. It’s the first door on your right.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s OLD and is aesthetically disastrous. But it’s clean.

Odor: A

Fresh and clean, dude. Fresh and clean.

Solitude: A+

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male.

Lighting: A

Very bright lighting, helped by great big privacy windows.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A solid find — it’s on the Mall, easy to get to and completely unused. The lights weren’t even on when I arrived. A fabulous, if sort-of run-down, bathroom. Enjoy. Except for the urinals. They’re freaking weird.

—Rich

And the Academy Award for weirdest-shaped urinal goes to: these pieces of crap!

WHY IS THIS CHAIR IN THE BATHROOM

Morrill Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the building and it’s directly in front of you.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s old and has random pipes popping out of weird places, but it’s almost never used and is quite clean.

Odor: A

There really isn’t anybody around to stink it up.

Solitude: A+

NO ONE IS HERE. Morrill Hall is almost exclusively TA offices and Economics meeting rooms, and even then the place has like four doors in the whole joint.

Lighting: F+

Our first “F” rating comes from the absolutely abhorrent lighting in an otherwise lovely restroom. The stalls are DARK.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: Haunted-ass Morrill Hall was built in 1898 and was one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1912. This bathroom is EXTREMELY convenient (did you even know this building was here?) and never used, but don’t expect to get any reading done. And don’t go at night.

—Rich

CSPAC, floor 3

Directions: Walk in the front entrance of the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center. Walk up the huge main staircase — you will see “Applause,” the little cafe thing, on your left. On your right will be the Cafritz Foundation Theatre. To the right of the Cafritz, there is a set of stairs going to a balcony.

Walk up these stairs and the entire length of the balcony — on your left you will see an elevator. Immediately before the elevator, there is an unmarked door  — walk through that door and follow the long hallway. After you turn the corner, you will see two large bulletin boards; immediately past the bulletin boards is the men’s room.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a bathroom designed to impress rich donors like the ones in the lobby, but it’s still nice, and it’s still really clean.

Odor: A

Doesn’t smell like a clean bathroom; it’s a very neutral bouquet — you could close your eyes and be anywhere.

Solitude: A-

There are a lot of rehearsal rooms around, all of which are in very high demand. But there really doesn’t seem to be much bathroom traffic.

Lighting: A+

Just perfect. Bright lights at the mirror and over the stalls, slightly dimmer lights everywhere else — it’s wonderful.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom that’s accessible, but farther off the beaten path. A lot of people study in CSPAC both day and night, but most either use the bathroom on the floor below or don’t really use one. A great bathroom to use, especially at night when you don’t want to deal with the masses.

—Rich

CSPAC, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the front entrance so you see the Kogod and Kay theaters. Turn left. There is a sign on the ceiling that will tell you the rest. (It’s like 10 feet away)

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Cleanliness: B-

A definite disappointment. The smart set-up and shiny new equipment is cool, but there is water and paper and glitter and other debris on the floor. Apparently the theater department doesn’t teach any manners.

Odor: A

It smells fine. Like art.

Solitude: D+

CSPAC is a busy place all of the time — classes in the day and operas and shit in the night — and this bathroom is located for convenience. It’s easy to find and nearby the main entrance and frequently used theaters. You won’t be alone.

Lighting: A+

Brilliant lights illuminate the shiny things to make them gleam. Great placement over all stalls and urinals, and you won’t be blinded upon entering.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 6, manual flush

Sinks: 5, manual faucets

Notes: It’s a solid bathroom but there will always be people in and out. It’s just a noisy place in general. Think movie theater bathroom.

—Jake

Art-Sociology, floor 3, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Turn right down the short hallway and go into the elevator. Choose “3F” and take that mean, double-sided bastard up. At floor 3F, turn right. It will be one of the first doors on the right.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old, but it’s not dirty. Say, weathered.

Odor: A-

First impressions of this place are “kind of grody,” but it really smells fine.

Solitude: A-

Really nothing going on up here, class-wise, and everything else is sociology TAs. And they’re too busy crying about the world to ever get around to pooping.

Lighting: D

There are lights, but they are stupid. That is all.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Note: Not bad at all, and probably easier to get to than the other secluded options in Art-Soc. Plus it probably has a considerable amount of history attached to it, because there is no way it’s been renovated since the building was built in 1976.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, ground floor

Directions: Enter through the front door, under the large concrete balcony, and take a left. On your left.

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Cleanliness: C

The problem with Tydings is the toilets just don’t always flush. And the floors are ugly.

Odor: A-

Definitely a strong point here. My nose was baffled when I entered and it picked up a smell that could almost be described as fresh.

Solitude: D

This is the lone bathroom on a floor full of large discussion classrooms and a short walk away from the largest lecture hall on campus. People are going to be in here.

Lighting: A

Bright, but not obnoxious, the fluorescents in here nicely illuminate the whole room. Bring your own reading material or sit back and enjoy the douchey graffiti on the walls that would make ol’ Senator Millard proud.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucets

Note: Good luck getting out of the smaller stall. In another bonehead move by the Tydings bathroom designer, the door to that stall opens inside, creating an uncomfortably tight squeeze when trying to escape the already cramped toilet space.

—Jake

Lefrak Hall, basement level

Directions: Enter Lefrak through the entrance directly across from the South Campus Diner. The bathroom is the first thing on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

Everything seemed pleasantly in order, until I entered the lone stall. At time of review, the automatic-flush toilet was full of a pretty nasty combo-job and a hefty heaping of TP. Without flushability in this spacious pooper, one can’t help wonder what could have been.

Odor: A-

It’s clean other than the inside of that toilet bowl, and the smell reflects that.

Solitude: B

Located right near an entrance, it can be a popular stop for quick pees. However, the stall is rather roomy and is an ideal bathroom to run to after too many wings at diner late night.

Lighting: B-

Overall not bad. One can’t help but ask why the stall’s light was placed over the door and not the toilet, but if you struggle opening doors in anything other than direct light, odds are you won’t be reading anything anyway.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush, OUT OF ORDER

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucet

Notes: A potential gem of a late-night dining getaway is squandered, at least temporarily, by a useless toilet. Rest assured, the dedicated crew here at UMDBI will work tirelessly to make sure you know when this bad boy gets back up on its feet so the diner’s finest won’t get the best of you.

—Jake