Directions: Walk into the Thirsty Turtle and head straight ahead, into the rearmost bar area. Running the length of the back wall, you will see the raised DJ platform. Against the right wall, there is a door. Go through the door and turn to your right — you will see a short set of steps going down to a door. Go through this door and walk through the first door on your left. The only door in this room is the bathroom.
WARNING: If Turtle security catches you back here, there is a 100% probability that you will be choked out. Exercise caution and respect the facility. Be a pooper, not a shithead.
REPORT CARD
Cleanliness: C
It’s a bathroom that isn’t open to the public and almost never used for recreational number-twos, so there really isn’t much reason to clean it as well as the super-bleached ones in the bar. But you don’t have to worry about piss on the floor or anything; for the most part, Turtle employees are a sanitary lot.
Odor: B
Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in there. But in my many ventures back there, it never smelled bad.
Solitude: A
It’s a solo bathroom; once you’re in nobody is going to walk in on you. There might be a knock or two, but nobody’s going to bother you here.
Lighting: A-
Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a concern. I can’t imagine what kind of person would bring literature to the Thirsty Turtle.
Facilities
Stalls: 1, manual flush
Urinals: 0
Sinks: 1, manual faucet
Notes: It’s there, it’s easy enough to get to, and it’s got a great solitude rating. If you’re just the right amount of drunk and you’re trying to impress a girl, go for it. If you’re too drunk, don’t. DON’T. You’re going to catch a forearm to the trachea.
—Rich
Your esteemed editor in chief, bouncing at the Thirsty Turtle in summer 2009.
UMD Bathroom Inventory 