Tag Archives: secret shitter

Morrill Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the building and it’s directly in front of you.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s old and has random pipes popping out of weird places, but it’s almost never used and is quite clean.

Odor: A

There really isn’t anybody around to stink it up.

Solitude: A+

NO ONE IS HERE. Morrill Hall is almost exclusively TA offices and Economics meeting rooms, and even then the place has like four doors in the whole joint.

Lighting: F+

Our first “F” rating comes from the absolutely abhorrent lighting in an otherwise lovely restroom. The stalls are DARK.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: Haunted-ass Morrill Hall was built in 1898 and was one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1912. This bathroom is EXTREMELY convenient (did you even know this building was here?) and never used, but don’t expect to get any reading done. And don’t go at night.

—Rich

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Regents Drive Parking Garage, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the garage’s Stadium Drive entrance; a door on the right side of the building facing the Computer and Space Sciences Building. Go down the stairs and through the door; turn left and walk into the computer lab that you see in front of you. It will be on the back wall.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

Apparently people are in such a rush to get back to the computer cave that flushing is optional. Also… it’s just kind of grody. Like the bathrooms you see in zombie movies right after they figure out how to work the generators.

Odor: D+

It’s in a dark, dank and drippy basement of a parking lot. Guess how it smells. The answer is actually a little better than the stairs down there, but still. Not delicious.

Solitude: B

Points for rarity. The lab might be full, but it will be full of a hip, in-the-know crowd. You know… the kind of awesome dudes that are in a computer lab in the basement of a parking garage in the middle of the night wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a thousand-yard stare.

Lighting: A

Plenty of lights in a tiny, tiny space, and the best ones are right over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BAT LAAAAB! It’s a totally rando bathroom in a totally rando computer lab. Not nearly nice enough or secluded enough to become a regular pooping locale, but a great trip to make… once.

—Jake and Rich

(Oh, and “Zemen Habtemariam” — you left your name tag on the wall. Don’t worry. We got it for you. Let us know where you want to pick it up.)

Thirsty Turtle employee bathroom

Directions: Walk into the Thirsty Turtle and head straight ahead, into the rearmost bar area. Running the length of the back wall, you will see the raised DJ platform. Against the right wall, there is a door. Go through the door and turn to your right — you will see a short set of steps going down to a door. Go through this door and walk through the first door on your left. The only door in this room is the bathroom.

WARNING: If Turtle security catches you back here, there is a 100% probability that you will be choked out. Exercise caution and respect the facility. Be a pooper, not a shithead.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C

It’s a bathroom that isn’t open to the public and almost never used for recreational number-twos, so there really isn’t much reason to clean it as well as the super-bleached ones in the bar. But you don’t have to worry about piss on the floor or anything; for the most part, Turtle employees are a sanitary lot.

Odor: B

Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in there. But in my many ventures back there, it never smelled bad.

Solitude: A

It’s a solo bathroom; once you’re in nobody is going to walk in on you. There might be a knock or two, but nobody’s going to bother you here.

Lighting: A-

Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a concern. I can’t imagine what kind of person would bring literature to the Thirsty Turtle.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: It’s there, it’s easy enough to get to, and it’s got a great solitude rating. If you’re just the right amount of drunk and you’re trying to impress a girl, go for it. If you’re too drunk, don’t. DON’T. You’re going to catch a forearm to the trachea.

—Rich

Your esteemed editor in chief, bouncing at the Thirsty Turtle in summer 2009.

McKeldin Library, basement level

Directions: Walk into McKeldin Library and walk to the left side of the welcome desk. If you turn left, you will see a bank of computers in front of you, and there will be a set of stairs to your left. Take these stairs to the basement and turn right at the bottom of the steps. It will be the last door on your right, immediately before the MITH office.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

Appears to be as old as most of the other bathrooms on the upper levels of the library, but much, much less used.

Odor: B

Like several other bathrooms in the library, this one has a peculiar plastic-y smell to it. We suspect a cleaning product.

Solitude: A-

It’s one of the best-kept secrets at the university, but it’s the only open bathroom for the offices in the basement — that we know of. There is another bathroom down here, and you can find it if you follow the hallway the opposite direction to the Conservation center, but it’s locked with a code.

Lighting: F

How dumb does an architect have to be to fail to account for proper reading light when designing bathrooms IN A LIBRARY? There are horrifying bright lights over the sinks, but no lights over the stalls, and the tall stall separators cast long shadows that make any kind of reading almost impossible.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucets

Notes: It might not be the most aesthetically pleasing facility, but the basement of the library is as creepy as your mom’s uncle’s mustache and this bathroom is chock-full of adventure appeal. You’ve gotta check it out once before you graduate. When you walk in, it’s like walking into the vault of an abandoned bank — you get the feeling you’re the first person to see it since Al Capone was alive.

—Rich Abdill

McKeldin Library, floor 1, bathroom 2

Directions: Walk into the front door of McKeldin Library and past the welcome desk and then past the elevators. In front of you, you will see the huge “periodicals” room. Walk into it, and turn left down the hallway right before the desk. The first door on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B

It’s just as old as the other bathroom on the first floor, but not nearly as heavily travelled.

Odor: A

I honestly don’t think it’s used enough to acquire that unique film of dried urine that most public bathrooms get.

Solitude: A

Only the real shitting aficionados know about this one. You’ll almost never see someone in this bad boy. Enjoy.

Lighting: A

Surprisingly well-lit, and it’s IN A ROOM OF LITERALLY THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF MAGAZINES.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: This little beauty is hidden without being hard to get to — definitely the best all-around bathroom we’ve found. It’s the perfect combination between functionality and accessibility.

—Rich Abdill