Cole Field House, concourse bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of Cole, through the lobby and onto the concourse. Turn right and walk a quarter of the way around until you come to a small lobby with the entrance to the Driskell Center in it. A small hallway on the left houses a family bathroom. Go in.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B-

It’s not a bathroom that gets a lot of cleaning attention, but it’s also very low-traffic. It’s average.

Odor: C+

Middling odor. Not really that terrible but if you were blind you’d still know you were in a bathroom.

Solitude: A+

Nobody comes around Cole Field House anymore, and you can lock the door behind you. You could probably run a business out of this place and not be in anyone’s way.

Lighting: B

Yellow lighting, not very bright but it will get the job done.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: The facilities in Cole are massive because of its former life as the home of Maryland basketball. You could really go to any of the bathrooms to get some privacy, but this one is absolutely the most secure.

—Rich

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Adele H. Stamp Student Union, ground floor, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk to the Hoff Theater through whatever route you desire — it’s in the hallway branching off of the food court next to Chick-Fil-A. It’s directly across from the ticket office.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B-

Not nearly as well-maintained as the other bathrooms in Stamp, but there are still shiny faucets and a relatively crap-free stall.

Odor: C

It smells much worse than it should, and definitely worse than it looks. I may have just had bad timing, but not the best scent up in herr.

Solitude: A-

It’s a FAMILY bathroom, which means it’s actually protocol to lock the door when you come in. Still, it’s right next to the busiest location on campus, the food court, and there are almost always people hanging out right outside the door that will definitely judge you if you come scampering out of here with three newspapers and a printed copy of the Bathroom Inventory.

Lighting: B

Dimmer than most of the great bathrooms in the building, and it’s pretty dim in the stall despite a light being directly overhead. Not the best but workable.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 3 motion faucets, 1 manual faucet

Notes: In any other building, this bathroom would be an oasis. But in Stamp, it looks like crap. It definitely gets less cleaning attention than the other bathrooms, and doesn’t look nearly as nice. But it’s a great place to go to be guaranteed you won’t get disturbed.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, floor 3

Directions: Get yo’ self to the main staircase in Tydings and take it up to the third floor. Head left and then right at the end of the hall so you see the GVPT advising office. It is on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: D

With a hideous pattern of random browns and beiges disgracing the floor and the walls, the old bathroom is either actually clean or just does a great job of letting dirt blend in. The problem here is the unreliable toilets. Towards the end of the day, it seems like these three struggle to force down those extra-large dumps.

Odor: B

Not cleaning product, not excrement; just there. With public bathrooms, one assumes any smell is a bad smell, but the lingering scent here is nothing to complain about.

Solitude: A-

The third floor of Tydings has more advising offices than classrooms, which are all small discussion sections anyway. You’re likely better off here than other bathrooms in the building, which all have fairly small cramped stalls anyway.

Lighting: B-

The dim yellow does it’s job well enough, and actually kinda complements the ugly color scheme. It sort of gives off a nostalgic old middle school bathroom vibe. But a good old bathroom. One with character.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: THANK GOODNESS the brilliant bathroom architect put a wall almost right in front of the door so those who walk in can’t peek at people washing their hands. Also of note: the bathrooms in Tydings have a little shelf you can hang your bags or place your notebooks or hide your drugs. When the toilets are flowing, this bathroom is a great place for a quiet shit. Unfortunately, the toilets aren’t always flowing.

—Jake

Lefrak Hall, basement level

Directions: Enter Lefrak through the entrance directly across from the South Campus Diner. The bathroom is the first thing on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

Everything seemed pleasantly in order, until I entered the lone stall. At time of review, the automatic-flush toilet was full of a pretty nasty combo-job and a hefty heaping of TP. Without flushability in this spacious pooper, one can’t help wonder what could have been.

Odor: A-

It’s clean other than the inside of that toilet bowl, and the smell reflects that.

Solitude: B

Located right near an entrance, it can be a popular stop for quick pees. However, the stall is rather roomy and is an ideal bathroom to run to after too many wings at diner late night.

Lighting: B-

Overall not bad. One can’t help but ask why the stall’s light was placed over the door and not the toilet, but if you struggle opening doors in anything other than direct light, odds are you won’t be reading anything anyway.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush, OUT OF ORDER

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucet

Notes: A potential gem of a late-night dining getaway is squandered, at least temporarily, by a useless toilet. Rest assured, the dedicated crew here at UMDBI will work tirelessly to make sure you know when this bad boy gets back up on its feet so the diner’s finest won’t get the best of you.

—Jake

Art-Sociology, floor 2, bathroom 2

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Inside, you will see a short hallway on your left — go down this hall. The bathroom is the first door on the right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: F

This one is a creatively dirty bathroom — the WATER smells funny. The water! Like really, dude. If you wash your hands you feel dirtier.

Odor: C

You won’t be confusing this joint with a homemade apple pie, but it’s not terrible. EXCEPT FOR THE GODDAMN WATER.

Solitude: D

It’s right inside the busiest entrance, and there aren’t that many facilities.

Lighting: B-

Lit brightly enough, but it probably doesn’t matter. Just keep walking.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: The only thing saving this bathroom is the newspaper stand 10 feet from the door. I don’t know how one specific bathroom can have different water than everywhere else, but I can’t get past it. The WATER!

—Rich

[recommended for review by metalheman]

Art-Sociology, floor 2, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Walk down the small staircase in front of you and follow the pathway around the atrium. Follow the curve of the path to the right and go through the double-doors to the left of the Art Gallery. It will be on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B-

It’s old, but there’s really nothing wrong with it.

Odor: C+

It’s a bathroom. It smells like a bathroom.

Solitude: B

It’s not too far off the beaten path, but there are several more accessible bathrooms around.

Lighting: B-

The lights are bright but poorly placed. Not terrible though.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: An average bathroom, maybe slightly cleaner. Not one to seek out, but certainly not one to shy away from. Also, we’ve noticed that the number of sinks is almost always equal to the number of stalls — we’re investigating any regulatory reasons why this might be, but this particular bathroom has a ridiculous number of sinks. So… there’s that.

—Rich