Computer and Space Sciences, Floor 1

Directions: Walk into the doors under the gigantic OIT sign. Make a right and the bathroom will be on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C

Everything seemed in order when I walked in, but a quick scan of the stalls revealed that people are too worried about their broken computers to clean up after themselves. Plus the automatic facilities have a massive splash zone. More on that later.

Odor: A

Nothing out of the ordinary or unpleasant.

Solitude: C

Right next to OIT, around a bunch of science classrooms, and not a great place to pick your boogers in front of a mirror in private.

Lighting: A+

Everywhere was nice and bright using an eco-friendly amount of lighting equipment!

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucet

Notes: The urinal is absurdly tiny. The obnoxious stall toilets were made so hyper-sensitive to motion by those damn computer scientists that they will flush unprovoked multiple times and with violent rapidity while you just sit there. Seriously. For a second I thought I was using a bidet.

You don’t want to shit here.

–Jake

Adele H. Stamp Student Union, ground floor, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk to the Hoff Theater through whatever route you desire — it’s in the hallway branching off of the food court next to Chick-Fil-A. It’s directly across from the ticket office.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B-

Not nearly as well-maintained as the other bathrooms in Stamp, but there are still shiny faucets and a relatively crap-free stall.

Odor: C

It smells much worse than it should, and definitely worse than it looks. I may have just had bad timing, but not the best scent up in herr.

Solitude: A-

It’s a FAMILY bathroom, which means it’s actually protocol to lock the door when you come in. Still, it’s right next to the busiest location on campus, the food court, and there are almost always people hanging out right outside the door that will definitely judge you if you come scampering out of here with three newspapers and a printed copy of the Bathroom Inventory.

Lighting: B

Dimmer than most of the great bathrooms in the building, and it’s pretty dim in the stall despite a light being directly overhead. Not the best but workable.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 3 motion faucets, 1 manual faucet

Notes: In any other building, this bathroom would be an oasis. But in Stamp, it looks like crap. It definitely gets less cleaning attention than the other bathrooms, and doesn’t look nearly as nice. But it’s a great place to go to be guaranteed you won’t get disturbed.

—Rich

Geology Building, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Geology Building and turn left down the hallway. Last door at the end.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: D+

It’s old and run-down and not too appealing.

Odor: D+

It stinks like a bathroom. Not helped by it being really ugly.

Solitude: A-

Is there such a thing as a geology major? Nobody’s pooping in this building. I don’t even think there are people LEARNING in this building.

Lighting: C-

Acceptable, but not on purpose.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom of pure function. There was no pride in this bathroom design; it’s a place to empty your bowels and nothing more.

—Rich

CSPAC, floor 3

Directions: Walk in the front entrance of the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center. Walk up the huge main staircase — you will see “Applause,” the little cafe thing, on your left. On your right will be the Cafritz Foundation Theatre. To the right of the Cafritz, there is a set of stairs going to a balcony.

Walk up these stairs and the entire length of the balcony — on your left you will see an elevator. Immediately before the elevator, there is an unmarked door  — walk through that door and follow the long hallway. After you turn the corner, you will see two large bulletin boards; immediately past the bulletin boards is the men’s room.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a bathroom designed to impress rich donors like the ones in the lobby, but it’s still nice, and it’s still really clean.

Odor: A

Doesn’t smell like a clean bathroom; it’s a very neutral bouquet — you could close your eyes and be anywhere.

Solitude: A-

There are a lot of rehearsal rooms around, all of which are in very high demand. But there really doesn’t seem to be much bathroom traffic.

Lighting: A+

Just perfect. Bright lights at the mirror and over the stalls, slightly dimmer lights everywhere else — it’s wonderful.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom that’s accessible, but farther off the beaten path. A lot of people study in CSPAC both day and night, but most either use the bathroom on the floor below or don’t really use one. A great bathroom to use, especially at night when you don’t want to deal with the masses.

—Rich

Regents Drive Parking Garage, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the garage’s Stadium Drive entrance; a door on the right side of the building facing the Computer and Space Sciences Building. Go down the stairs and through the door; turn left and walk into the computer lab that you see in front of you. It will be on the back wall.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

Apparently people are in such a rush to get back to the computer cave that flushing is optional. Also… it’s just kind of grody. Like the bathrooms you see in zombie movies right after they figure out how to work the generators.

Odor: D+

It’s in a dark, dank and drippy basement of a parking lot. Guess how it smells. The answer is actually a little better than the stairs down there, but still. Not delicious.

Solitude: B

Points for rarity. The lab might be full, but it will be full of a hip, in-the-know crowd. You know… the kind of awesome dudes that are in a computer lab in the basement of a parking garage in the middle of the night wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a thousand-yard stare.

Lighting: A

Plenty of lights in a tiny, tiny space, and the best ones are right over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BAT LAAAAB! It’s a totally rando bathroom in a totally rando computer lab. Not nearly nice enough or secluded enough to become a regular pooping locale, but a great trip to make… once.

—Jake and Rich

(Oh, and “Zemen Habtemariam” — you left your name tag on the wall. Don’t worry. We got it for you. Let us know where you want to pick it up.)

CSPAC, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the front entrance so you see the Kogod and Kay theaters. Turn left. There is a sign on the ceiling that will tell you the rest. (It’s like 10 feet away)

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B-

A definite disappointment. The smart set-up and shiny new equipment is cool, but there is water and paper and glitter and other debris on the floor. Apparently the theater department doesn’t teach any manners.

Odor: A

It smells fine. Like art.

Solitude: D+

CSPAC is a busy place all of the time — classes in the day and operas and shit in the night — and this bathroom is located for convenience. It’s easy to find and nearby the main entrance and frequently used theaters. You won’t be alone.

Lighting: A+

Brilliant lights illuminate the shiny things to make them gleam. Great placement over all stalls and urinals, and you won’t be blinded upon entering.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 6, manual flush

Sinks: 5, manual faucets

Notes: It’s a solid bathroom but there will always be people in and out. It’s just a noisy place in general. Think movie theater bathroom.

—Jake

Stamp Student Union, second floor, bathroom one

Directions: Walk in the main door of Stamp and turn left down the hallway. You will see a small alcove with weird brass mailboxes on the left, and there will be a door to a set of stairs. Take the stairs up one level and walk through the door to the second floor. Immediately turn left; it will be the only door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A+

It’s in the building that is considered to be the hub of all campus activity. A lot of people use it, and the conferences held up here are usually fancy speaking engagements and whatnot so they definitely pay attention to appearances. Also, the faucets GLIMMER like the smile of a unicorn and there’s two-ply toilet paper.

Odor: A+

It smells clean without that “public swimming pool” aroma.

Solitude: A-

There are frequently events held in the rooms up here, but there are a ton of stalls and it’s definitely not a high-traffic area.

Lighting: A+

Soft lighting in most of the room, gleaming florescents over the stalls. Perfection.

Facilities

Stalls: 6, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 4, motion faucet

Notes: A beautiful (and very accessible) bathroom certainly not made that way for the benefit of UMD students. Take advantage! And don’t worry about the crowds around the second floor — they’re always busy, and seem to much prefer going downstairs for some reason.

—Rich

Bio-Psych, floor 1, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Bioscience Research Building, on Hornbake Plaza. Turn right and walk through the glass door, then walk straight across the Biology-Psychology Building lobby and through the second set of doors immediately in front of you. It will be in a small alcove directly to your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C+

It’s probably not particularly dirty, but the lighting and weird green paint makes it look a little gross.

Odor: B-

It’s got a bathroomy smell to it, but nothing that’ll cause dry-heaves.

Solitude: B-

It’s in a very well-travelled hallway, but it’s hard to find unless you’re looking for it.

Lighting: D+

It’s not dark, it’s just… weird. Very yellow and occasionally flickery. Much closer to “creepy” than “cozy.”

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2 motion faucets

Notes: A cool little bathroom that makes up for its poor aesthetics with a unique location.

—Rich