Category Archives: D

Geology Building, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Geology Building and turn left down the hallway. Last door at the end.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: D+

It’s old and run-down and not too appealing.

Odor: D+

It stinks like a bathroom. Not helped by it being really ugly.

Solitude: A-

Is there such a thing as a geology major? Nobody’s pooping in this building. I don’t even think there are people LEARNING in this building.

Lighting: C-

Acceptable, but not on purpose.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom of pure function. There was no pride in this bathroom design; it’s a place to empty your bowels and nothing more.

—Rich

Francis Scott Key Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of Key, at the top of the big concrete steps. Turn left, then make your first right down the hallway. It will be on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: D-

It’s not a “this is a dirty bathroom” problem, it’s a “this is a dirty room” thing. People aren’t pissing on the walls, but the place is just regular filthy. The floors are actually brown and olive drab, and I’m honestly not sure they were originally that color. The urinals have turned gray with age, and the stalls have awkward patches were the paint looks like it’s been worn off by frictional forces I will never understand.

Odor: B-

The place really tricked me on this one. It looks like a bathroom at a crappy public park, but if you were blind, you probably wouldn’t be too skeeved out.

Solitude: C

A good amount of stalls on a floor that’s mostly offices, but the ARHU office is a busy one. Plus it’s in the hallway that’s the main artery between Key and Taliaferro Halls, and apparently people have actually had classes in Taliferro. I don’t know who. But they pee in this thing a lot.

Lighting: B-

The bathroom might actually be improved by lighting that was a little less ambitious. If it’s too dark to read, I want it to be dark enough that I can’t see the horrifying fingernail gashes on the wall.

Facilities

Stalls: 4, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 3, motion faucets

Notes: The bulk of Francis Scott Key Hall was built in 1939 and 1940. I have a theory that this bathroom was actually built before that, and then they let it just sit on the mall for like a decade before eventually building classrooms around it. A very, very run-down operation indeed, especially in light of how polished the rest of the main floor is.

Also, I’m pretty sure I broke my computer’s Photobooth program when I tried to take a picture of the floor — some dude walked in and I slammed the computer shut to keep from looking like a weirdy. Pretty sure it didn’t work.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, floor 3

Directions: Get yo’ self to the main staircase in Tydings and take it up to the third floor. Head left and then right at the end of the hall so you see the GVPT advising office. It is on your right.

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Cleanliness: D

With a hideous pattern of random browns and beiges disgracing the floor and the walls, the old bathroom is either actually clean or just does a great job of letting dirt blend in. The problem here is the unreliable toilets. Towards the end of the day, it seems like these three struggle to force down those extra-large dumps.

Odor: B

Not cleaning product, not excrement; just there. With public bathrooms, one assumes any smell is a bad smell, but the lingering scent here is nothing to complain about.

Solitude: A-

The third floor of Tydings has more advising offices than classrooms, which are all small discussion sections anyway. You’re likely better off here than other bathrooms in the building, which all have fairly small cramped stalls anyway.

Lighting: B-

The dim yellow does it’s job well enough, and actually kinda complements the ugly color scheme. It sort of gives off a nostalgic old middle school bathroom vibe. But a good old bathroom. One with character.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: THANK GOODNESS the brilliant bathroom architect put a wall almost right in front of the door so those who walk in can’t peek at people washing their hands. Also of note: the bathrooms in Tydings have a little shelf you can hang your bags or place your notebooks or hide your drugs. When the toilets are flowing, this bathroom is a great place for a quiet shit. Unfortunately, the toilets aren’t always flowing.

—Jake

South Campus Dining Hall, floor 3

Directions: There are several ways to get to this secluded number, any of which could be locked for a lot of different reasons. The easiest way is to go in the secondary door to the main floor, which is on the same wall as the main diner entrance but farther down on the right. Once you go in this door, either walk up the stairs or take the elevator to the third floor. Be careful with that elevator though — it was dangerous enough for some intrepid journalism student to make a video about it, and then for some intrepid journalism instructors to try to kick him out of the university for it.

But no matter. Once you get to the top, walk through the two doors at the top of the steps and down the long, skinny hallway. When you get to the main hallway, turn right. It will be your first door on the right.

If the diner is closed, the large concrete steps to the left of the main diner entrance will take you to the same main hallway on the third floor. Just follow it the length of the building and it will be on your right.

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Cleanliness: D

It’s old and mistreated, and the crazy long-hairs from the radio station down the hall have a habit of getting drunk and leaving their bodily fluids lying around.

Odor: C-

It’s old and mildewy, and the room’s yellow tint doesn’t help.

Solitude: A

It’s a big bathroom, but there isn’t a reason for too many people to be up there; the Diamondback newsroom and WMUC studios are there with half of the University Counseling Center, but that’s pretty much it.

Lighting: C+

If I couldn’t see the ceiling I’d think the place was lit with a bunch of gas lamps. Really bizarre lighting not really conducive to productive reading, but I gave it a little boost because there’s almost always a newspaper lying in at least one of the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 6, manual flush

Sinks: 4, manual faucets

Notes: A very quiet locale, but leaves a lot to be desired in the way of ambience. Also, the urinals are really weird and stick out extremely far from the wall. Which doesn’t make sense. Who would design a urinal whose only practical function is to get an eyeful of the dude next to you?

—Rich

McKeldin Library, floor 1, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the front door of McKeldin Library and past the welcome desk and then past the elevators. Turn right down the hallway before the circulation desk. On your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: D+

It’s an old, oft-used bathroom. You’re gonna have to deal.

Odor: D

It’s a pee smell. A distinct pee smell.

Solitude: D-

If there are people in the library, there are people in this bathroom. You’re probably safe on a Friday afternoon, for example, but a Tuesday at 1 p.m. will get you nothing but a urinal traffic jam.

Lighting: D

You can see what you’re doing, but not much more with the old yellow lighting.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 1, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: It’s in the library. There are gobs of reading material everywhere, and the largest news stand on campus on the way into the building. The question is, are you willing to sit in this place long enough to read something? A passable restroom, but nowhere you’d want to relax.

—Rich Abdill

McKeldin Library, floor 1, bathroom 1

View from the sink. You know. In case you were wondering.