REAL Advice: Citigroup? MORE LIKE SHITTYGROUP

A few days ago I wrote a letter to a woman that asked Dear Abby for advice about her husband doing computer programming while he talked to her on the phone at work. Well, I think we finally figured out what he was programming. It was obviously a program for stock traders working for Citigroup.

DEAR CITIGROUP:

What the hell were you thinking, hiring a lunatic like the husband of “ANNOYED IN IMPERIAL BEACH, CA” to do your programming? The stock market literally exploded today, like physically went BOOM and killed people, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

I honestly didn’t care when I heard news about the Dow Jones on the TV while I was eating my reuben at the deli, mostly because I don’t know what that is.

But then I started seeing crazy shit like the Accenture stock going from $40 per share to ONE PENNY. I don’t know anything about the stock market. I’ve kept all my savings in the form of silver dollars under my mattress since you punks wrecked everything in 1929. But even I know that a graph of a stock price IS NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THIS:

And everybody was running around like an 8-year-old in an air raid drill trying to figure out what happened. And it turns out, Citigroup, OR SHOULD I SAY SHITTYGROUP, that it was ALL YOUR FAULT.

Why is it all your fault? Well, turns out this whole thing started when one of your over-paid coke-fiend traders typed “BILLION” instead of “MILLION” when he (or she. Whatever.) was selling shares of some drug company. First of all, how do you hire someone that will make that mistake. That’s like me going to the store to buy two pounds of roast beef and COMING HOME WITH A METRIC TON OF IT.

Do you realize how much roast beef is in a metric ton? Neither do I, but your dumbass trader just killed a lot of cows to make it.

Also, what the hell kind of horse’s ass computer program do you have over there that makes your traders SPELL OUT HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO SELL? We’re not ringing up groceries by hand on the side of the paper bag, idiots. We’re selling billions of dollars worth of imaginary shits somehow connected to the reason that handsome devil Warren Buffett has so much money. I always thought it was because he sang that Cheeseburger in Paradise song.

So it’s really a simple fix, Citigroup. Hire some people who won’t type with their stupid fingers in their butt, and get a new computer program that doesn’t make you SPELL OUT HUGE FREAKING NUMBERS IN ENGLISH. And if there’s some fancy-schmancy reason it has to be that way, maybe put in a little extra box that pops up when you try shit like that. Like maybe something that says REALLY, JOE? THAT IS A SHIT-TON OF STOCKS TO BE JUST SELLING WILLY-NILLY LIKE THAT. ARE YOU REALLY FREAKING SURE? Like that. Just one. For situations like this. Please? Also, SHUT UP.

—Henry

Warren Buffett: the original pimp daddy.

Warren Buffett: Original Gangster

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