REAL Advice: Oil people are so stupid. So is the Gulf of Mexico.

Dear BP:

I hear one of your oil rigs tipped over and is dumping a bunch of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. I also hear it could cost $8 billion to clean up. EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How do you make a mess so big that it takes the U.S. Navy and 8 billion dollars to clean up? The only time I’ve ever seen anything close to that was the time Mickey Smith barfed on the way to school back in 1930 and it got it all in his shoes and he wouldn’t stop walking.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt — people died. That’s heavy stuff, people dying. But you still, a week later, HAVEN’T TURNED OFF THE OIL PIPE. Are you serious? That’s like me pissing in the woods and a three-year-old walking into my stream, and me TAKING MORE THAN SEVEN FREAKING DAYS to decide to stop peeing on him. DO YOU LIKE PEEING ON TODDLERS, BP? DO YOU? Also, what the hell does BP even stand for? Nothing? Oh. That’s dandy. SHUT UP.

I couldn’t believe the shit I was hearing about this “yeah there’s still oil pouring out” thing, so I went over to Ask Jeeves, and I asked that butler-ass guy what the word was.

Turns out, you guys are saying that you can’t turn it off because it’s as hard as “performing open-heart surgery at 5,000 feet in the dark with robot-controlled submarines.”

My humble two cents: next time, BP, MAKE IT EASIER TO TURN OFF THE DOG-GONE OIL. SERIOUSLY. LIKE, MAYBE A BUTTON. MAYBE NOT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GULF OF MEXICO.

That’s like Winchester making a rifle that, when you pull the trigger, shoots FOR A WEEK whether you want to or not. Seriously? This is probably the worst idea ever. And now TURTLES ARE DYING. What the hell did turtles do to you? My cousin Nicky was raised by turtles since he was born in 1912. Where would he have been if you bastards killed those turtles with your magical, unclosable oil pipe? He’d be a goddamn orphan, that’s what. It’s a good thing you guys weren’t around back then. He’s dead now. Stone dead. So whatever.

Also, why does the U.S. Navy have to clean up the GULF OF MEXICO? It’s not the Gulf of Louisiana. It’s not even the Gulf of America. Maybe we have to because it’s your stupid American asses that made the mess. If we have to clean it up, we should get to name it. I propose the “Gulf of Freedom.” But why do we have to call it a gulf? The hell is a gulf anyway? Why not “Liberty Lake”?

Wait, WHAT? You’re a British company? Oh. That’s amazing. That’s so great. So a bunch of tie-wearing, tea-sipping dumbasses from BRITAIN, pollute the Gulf of MEXICO, and all of the sudden everyone is like HEY AMERICA, WHERE’S YOUR SWIFFER?

SHUT UP.

—Henry

[You can e-mail Henry letters or general questions at i.hate.whippersnappers AT gmail.com]

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