BREAKING NEWS: CHINA SUCKS

This is probably not the most politically correct headline ever, but what the hell. Our website is probably blocked over there anyway.

So here’s the deal: China is going to make our toilet paper worse and worse. EVEN THE TOILET PAPER NOT MADE THERE.

Most toilet paper is made from recycled office paper — you’re literally wiping your ass with (what used to be) the company newsletter. So paper companies, rather than just chopping down trees for a living, buy millions of tons of trashed paper.

EXCEPT NOW CHINA IS BUYING IT ALL. For some reason, China suddenly decided that they really liked our old office paper, so whenever a ship sails in and drops off Chinese goods in America, they fill it up with our nice white paper before they send it back to the motherland. So now, there’s not enough sweet office paper to go around for everybody to make TP with, so companies are going to have to use shittier paper (HA) to make it with. So instead of our nice two-ply being made of office paper, it’s going to be made of grocery bags and cardboard boxes. And it’s going to be terrible.

I fear for democracy.

—Rich

The last time China was this terrible was back when some guy randomly found four tanks parked harmlessly in Tiananmen Square

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2 responses to “BREAKING NEWS: CHINA SUCKS

  1. akakakakakkakakakaka

    That guy should move. Those things are heavy.

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