To the “serious” journalists

I was walking today and met up with several of my former colleagues from The Diamondback, and one of them said “sorry Rich — we’re discussing serious journalism, not bathrooms.” Emphasis mine, because this individual is incapable of speaking in bold and italics, but he raised an interesting question: What is more serious than bathrooms?

More or less, everybody poops. Adam pooped. Eve pooped, though, her being a woman, it probably bore a closer resemblance to butterflies and rainbows than the traditional, masculine brand of poo. But that’s not the point. With only a few suspicious exceptions, people shit every day. It’s important to people.

How important, “serious” journalists, is an article about a student government party changing its name BY ONE LETTER? Is this more pressing of an issue than where the noble students of this campus can use restroom facilities in which they feel safe, clean and comfortable? Hardly. (Also, apologies to article author Alissa Gulin — she meant no harm I’m sure.)

The UMD Bathroom Inventory does not compete with The Diamondback — they complement each other. UMDBI fills the gaps in which The Diamondback feels it cannot stoop because of a priority list that excludes the College Park Everyman in favor of 10-inch feature stories about cutting the grass.

And The Diamondback… well, we’ve got to read something in there, right?

—Rich

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4 responses to “To the “serious” journalists

  1. This one is so good, and so near to my heart, that I never would have posted about it were I still in school at UMD. I would’ve kept it all to myself. But I graduated, and no longer give a shit, literally or figuratively.

    By far the best bathrooms on campus are located in the lobby of CSPAC, though all the bathrooms in the building are worlds better than any other on campus. The bathrooms are new, involve fake marble and are kept cleaner than Jesus. The building is run by an entity that is independent from the University. One that apparently values its pooping facilities at levels approaching obsession.

    Truth be told, there are other, newer buildings on campus, such as Robert H. Smith school of business, or the Knight building. But those buildings are considerably higher in traffic. The relative small size of the performing arts majors, the daintiness of its students, as well as the fact the main lobby of CSPAC doesn’t really come alive except for events taking place at night in its concert halls, places the bathrooms of CSPAC on a pedestal of cleanliness and seclusion that is stories above any other W.C. on the University of Maryland campus.

    Also, the bathrooms in Dan Mote’s house are pretty good. But don’t use the one down the hall from the kitchen, ’cause I dropped a stinky doo doo in there not 3 minutes ago.

  2. Gotta love pretentious journalists. Their craft is dying, so they rip on a creative idea? People like that make me ashamed to write for the Diamondback.

    It’s funny, because eventually blogs will overtake papers like the Diamondback, if they haven’t already.

    • Their craft isn’t dying — their money is. The cash is in BLOGGING, man. I make millions off these bathroom reviews and the conventional journos are blind to the opportunity.

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