Site traffic is BLOWING UP today. I honestly think I have found my calling with this bathroom business. In an effort to reward all of my nice new readers, I buckled down and put up THREE new bathroom reviews.
Also, I humbly present to you the one and only epitaph you should ever hope to earn:
“He never killed a man that did not need killing.” Pure poetry.
After I found this, though, I got curious and started Googling the guy. Apparently, he was a gunslinger in the 1870s that killed a dude named Colbert that, needless to say, must have needed killing. From Clay Allison’s Wikipedia bio:
What is known as fact is that at some point during the dinner Colbert attempted to raise his gun to shoot Allison, but the barrel hit the table as the pistol came up. Allison fired one round, hitting Colbert in the head, killing him. Allison was later asked why he accepted a dinner invitation from a man who would likely try to kill him, to which he replied “Because I didn’t want to send a man to hell on an empty stomach.”
So yeah, he was a badass. But unfortunately it appears that he also may have had ties to an early incarnation of the Ku Klux Klan, so we have to hold that against him. He also looks like he had a pretty ambitious history of lynching:
In the fall of 1870, a man named Charles Kennedy was being held in the local jail in Elizabethtown, suspected of robbery and murder. Allison and other men broke into the jail, pulled Kennedy from his cell, tied a rope around his neck and dragged him behind a horse down the main street until he was dead. Allison then cut off the man’s head and is said to have carried it in a sack 29 miles (47 km) to Cimarron, where he demanded it be placed on display in front of the Lambert Inn. Since the hotel was built in 1872, it is more likely the head stayed in Elizabethtown.
Think about that last sentance for a minute — the author acknowledges that there are some factually fuzzy aspects of the story, but he doesn’t say “but the hotel wasn’t built until 1872, so we don’t know what the deal is.” No, the author essentially says “he totally chopped off the guy’s head. We just don’t know where he put it once he started carrying it around in a goddamned sack.”
Oh, and that tombstone up there at the beginning of the post, turns out that’s his SECOND ONE. The one about killing a man is at the foot of his grave. Here’s a picture of his headstone:
For those of you without properly functioning eyeballs here’s what this bad boy says:
ROBERT C ALLISON
9th TENN CAV
SEP 2 1840
JUL 3 1887
Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. Most people have “husband” and “beloved father” on their tombstone, but not old Clay, he gets freaking “GENTLEMAN” and “GUN FIGHTER.”
What will your epitaph read?