Woods Hall, basement level

Directions: Walk into the door on the left side of the building facing Marie Mount Hall. It’s the first door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s OLD and is aesthetically disastrous. But it’s clean.

Odor: A

Fresh and clean, dude. Fresh and clean.

Solitude: A+

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male.

Lighting: A

Very bright lighting, helped by great big privacy windows.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A solid find — it’s on the Mall, easy to get to and completely unused. The lights weren’t even on when I arrived. A fabulous, if sort-of run-down, bathroom. Enjoy. Except for the urinals. They’re freaking weird.

—Rich

And the Academy Award for weirdest-shaped urinal goes to: these pieces of crap!

WHY IS THIS CHAIR IN THE BATHROOM

Stamp Student Union, second floor, bathroom one

Directions: Walk in the main door of Stamp and turn left down the hallway. You will see a small alcove with weird brass mailboxes on the left, and there will be a door to a set of stairs. Take the stairs up one level and walk through the door to the second floor. Immediately turn left; it will be the only door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A+

It’s in the building that is considered to be the hub of all campus activity. A lot of people use it, and the conferences held up here are usually fancy speaking engagements and whatnot so they definitely pay attention to appearances. Also, the faucets GLIMMER like the smile of a unicorn and there’s two-ply toilet paper.

Odor: A+

It smells clean without that “public swimming pool” aroma.

Solitude: A-

There are frequently events held in the rooms up here, but there are a ton of stalls and it’s definitely not a high-traffic area.

Lighting: A+

Soft lighting in most of the room, gleaming florescents over the stalls. Perfection.

Facilities

Stalls: 6, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 4, motion faucet

Notes: A beautiful (and very accessible) bathroom certainly not made that way for the benefit of UMD students. Take advantage! And don’t worry about the crowds around the second floor — they’re always busy, and seem to much prefer going downstairs for some reason.

—Rich

Armory, basement level

Directions: Walk into the Armory using the door on the side of the building facing the Lee Building; the door farthest away from the Administration Building. Turn down the first hallway on your right. It’s the only door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A

It’s humongous but hardly ever used. Whatever filth would accumulate there is spread out over the collective area of what I believe to be the second-largest bathroom on campus.

Odor: A+

It actually smells like fresh air in here! Not piss, not cleaning supplies, not trying to smell like fresh air, it’s just… nice.

Solitude: A-

It’s actually pretty well-traveled, but there are eight stalls. Seriously. You’re not going to have to worry about somebody trying to play footsie with you.

Lighting: A-

It’s like daylight in there. Lighting isn’t positioned directly over the stalls, but it’s bright enough outside to make its way in.

Facilities

Stalls: 8, manual flush

Urinals: 9, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: A great bathroom, despite it being sort of out of the way. Also, there’s a great water fountain outside the door and a newspaper stand just feet away.

—Rich

McKeldin Library, floor 1, bathroom 2

Directions: Walk into the front door of McKeldin Library and past the welcome desk and then past the elevators. In front of you, you will see the huge “periodicals” room. Walk into it, and turn left down the hallway right before the desk. The first door on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B

It’s just as old as the other bathroom on the first floor, but not nearly as heavily travelled.

Odor: A

I honestly don’t think it’s used enough to acquire that unique film of dried urine that most public bathrooms get.

Solitude: A

Only the real shitting aficionados know about this one. You’ll almost never see someone in this bad boy. Enjoy.

Lighting: A

Surprisingly well-lit, and it’s IN A ROOM OF LITERALLY THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF MAGAZINES.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: This little beauty is hidden without being hard to get to — definitely the best all-around bathroom we’ve found. It’s the perfect combination between functionality and accessibility.

—Rich Abdill