Susquehanna Hall, floor 1

Directions: Enter SQH from the main entrance, across from Commons 1 and 2, and head into the hallway more or less straight across from you. The bathroom is on your right in there.

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Cleanliness: C+

With water consistently on the floor, one has to wonder what the hell is so leaky in here. I shudder to think. Imagine a bunch of shallow pools covering a marble gray floor. Because that is what it is.

Odor: A

It smells fine… the air is just really cold.

Solitude: D

Near a busy entrance to a building full of busy discussion classrooms, this bathroom is usually occupied. Or there will be people hanging out right near it. Because that’s cool.

Lighting: D

Only two small square lights on the ceiling here, neither of which are over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Notes: OK for a piss break or grabbing a tissue, otherwise just keep walking.

—Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 2

Directions: Enter SQH through the side door faces the South Campus Dining Hall. Take the stairs immediately to your right up one floor. Go left to the end of the hallway, then right,  and then I think you go right again but if you get lost the bathroom has a room number: 21-A. Obviously it wasn’t that memorable.

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Cleanliness: B

Better than the first floor because it’s less wet. Still doesn’t appear to be attended to very often.

Odor: A

I think. Maybe my nose is just that stuffed.

Solitude: C

Again, better than the first floor alternative but there are a lot of rooms in use up here to.

Lighting: C-

More light manages to seep through to the stalls here. Basically I’m telling you this is just a slightly better version of the bathroom on the first floor. And that one wasn’t very good.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 4, automatic faucets

Notes: Another below-average bathroom, except for whatever reason, this one has a little foyer between the hallway door and the bathroom door. Two doors. An obvious warning sign: go elsewhere.

—Jake

Morrill Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the building and it’s directly in front of you.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s old and has random pipes popping out of weird places, but it’s almost never used and is quite clean.

Odor: A

There really isn’t anybody around to stink it up.

Solitude: A+

NO ONE IS HERE. Morrill Hall is almost exclusively TA offices and Economics meeting rooms, and even then the place has like four doors in the whole joint.

Lighting: F+

Our first “F” rating comes from the absolutely abhorrent lighting in an otherwise lovely restroom. The stalls are DARK.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: Haunted-ass Morrill Hall was built in 1898 and was one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1912. This bathroom is EXTREMELY convenient (did you even know this building was here?) and never used, but don’t expect to get any reading done. And don’t go at night.

—Rich

Lefrak, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the front door of Lefrak. Make a left, then a right and the bathroom will be at the end of the hall. DISCLAIMER: this may or may not be the best (or a viable) method to find this bathroom. Figure it out.

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Cleanliness: B-

The gross floors are always sprinkled with sink water from people frantically shaking their hands dry for lack of paper towels. One towel dispenser is completely useless and the other has a broken handle which exposes a jagged, rusty piece of metal that only fingers of great fortitude and courage can conquer to coax out drying utensils.

Odor: B

By no means terrible, but nothing about this bathroom deserves an ‘A’.

Solitude: C

Four urinals make this bathroom an attractive stop for pissers. Plus, it’s on a floor full of long lectures and labs that students will be itching to escape from. Crowded.

Lighting: D+

A shining example of dimness, the weak lights in here do well to enhance the putrid patterns of gray and off-white that adorn the walls and floor. Everything about this bathroom seems to be working towards the label dingy.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 4, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucets

Notes: A poor final resting place for your turd. Basically all this bathroom has going for it is the trashcans are tiny boxes that are attached to the walls near the sinks instead of resting on the floor. That’s nice. But they aren’t used often considering the difficulty encountered in trying to extract paper towels.

–Jake

Art-Sociology, floor 4, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Walk down the small staircase in front of you and follow the pathway around the atrium. Follow the curve of the path to the right, past the Art Library. In front of you, you will see a set of double-doors. Walk up to them, but then turn left and go through those doors instead, which will lead you into a stairway. Take this to the very top, until your only options are a door to a hallway or a door that says “DANGER: Do not enter.” Do not enter. Really. I tried. Go through the regular, non-warning door and turn left; it’s the first door on your left.

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Cleanliness: B-

It’s ugly, but it will get the job done. Like your grandma: old but as clean as it needs to be.

Odor: B+

It smells curiously of fresh lumber.

Solitude: A+

The only people up here are anthropology majors coming to fellate their TAs.

Lighting: D-

The stalls are straight DARK, yo. Dark.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: A curious facility. There are way more sinks than are necessary, and the toilet in the second stall is practically flush with the ground. Also the urinal design and placement are absolutely bizarre (see below). But overall it’s a great, lonely restroom.

—Rich

Your noble editor-in-chief, absolutely baffled by the urinals up here. Seriously whose idea was this.

Art-Sociology, floor 3, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Turn right down the short hallway and go into the elevator. Choose “3F” and take that mean, double-sided bastard up. At floor 3F, turn right. It will be one of the first doors on the right.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old, but it’s not dirty. Say, weathered.

Odor: A-

First impressions of this place are “kind of grody,” but it really smells fine.

Solitude: A-

Really nothing going on up here, class-wise, and everything else is sociology TAs. And they’re too busy crying about the world to ever get around to pooping.

Lighting: D

There are lights, but they are stupid. That is all.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Note: Not bad at all, and probably easier to get to than the other secluded options in Art-Soc. Plus it probably has a considerable amount of history attached to it, because there is no way it’s been renovated since the building was built in 1976.

—Rich

Lefrak Hall, basement level

Directions: Enter Lefrak through the entrance directly across from the South Campus Diner. The bathroom is the first thing on your right.

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Cleanliness: C-

Everything seemed pleasantly in order, until I entered the lone stall. At time of review, the automatic-flush toilet was full of a pretty nasty combo-job and a hefty heaping of TP. Without flushability in this spacious pooper, one can’t help wonder what could have been.

Odor: A-

It’s clean other than the inside of that toilet bowl, and the smell reflects that.

Solitude: B

Located right near an entrance, it can be a popular stop for quick pees. However, the stall is rather roomy and is an ideal bathroom to run to after too many wings at diner late night.

Lighting: B-

Overall not bad. One can’t help but ask why the stall’s light was placed over the door and not the toilet, but if you struggle opening doors in anything other than direct light, odds are you won’t be reading anything anyway.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush, OUT OF ORDER

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucet

Notes: A potential gem of a late-night dining getaway is squandered, at least temporarily, by a useless toilet. Rest assured, the dedicated crew here at UMDBI will work tirelessly to make sure you know when this bad boy gets back up on its feet so the diner’s finest won’t get the best of you.

—Jake

Health Center, first floor

Directions: Walk into the front door of the Health Center and past the red phone booth. Turn down the first hallway on your left; it’s the first door on your left.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a new bathroom, but it appears to be cleaned pretty frequently.

Odor: A

Great, clean smell. That’s all. Like a hug from somebody you like a little bit — nothing to write home about, but it’s still nice.

Solitude: A-

It’s a solo bathroom that many folks either don’t consider using or don’t have the guts to go into — it’s easy to get to and still not very popular.

Lighting: A-

Maybe almost too bright, especially for the poor souls stumbling into the Health Center with swine flu or syphilis or whatever.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: A great bathroom that provides a fabulous alternative to the high-traffic ones across the street in Stamp; it’s kind of awkward to have to knock whenever you have to use it, but if you can get past that, you’re golden.

—Rich

Art-Sociology, floor 2, bathroom 2

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Inside, you will see a short hallway on your left — go down this hall. The bathroom is the first door on the right.

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Cleanliness: F

This one is a creatively dirty bathroom — the WATER smells funny. The water! Like really, dude. If you wash your hands you feel dirtier.

Odor: C

You won’t be confusing this joint with a homemade apple pie, but it’s not terrible. EXCEPT FOR THE GODDAMN WATER.

Solitude: D

It’s right inside the busiest entrance, and there aren’t that many facilities.

Lighting: B-

Lit brightly enough, but it probably doesn’t matter. Just keep walking.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: The only thing saving this bathroom is the newspaper stand 10 feet from the door. I don’t know how one specific bathroom can have different water than everywhere else, but I can’t get past it. The WATER!

—Rich

[recommended for review by metalheman]

Architecture Building, ground floor

Directions: Walk in the main door of the Architecture Building, the one across the street from Art-Soc with the bridge leading up to it. Once inside, you’ll see a set of steps to your left. Take them down to the ground floor — you’ll be in the student pseudo-lounge, and you’ll see a glass wall with doors in front of you. Walk through those doors and it will be on your left. If you get to the entrance of the Kibel Gallery, you’ve gone too far.

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Cleanliness: C-

It’s old and painted the color of orange sherbet. There are cracked tiles everywhere and a chunk of wall is gone from underneath one of the sinks.

Odor: C-

Generally unpleasant scent. I can’t tell if it’s actually that bad though, because it was horrible when I walked in and then I couldn’t smell it anymore, but I left and came back 10 minutes later and it stank again. The nose is a curious organ.

Solitude: A-

I’m guessing traffic heats up when big architecture projects are due for the upperclassmen, whose studios are right down the hall, but other than that this is a well-hidden little place. Also, there are several cool galleries around that nobody seems to care about people wandering around in.

Lighting: A-

When you walk in you’d think it was terrible. But there is really a perfectly fine level of light in the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: Architecture majors are a weird lot, and their building is this really strange balance between cool and decrepit. Despite the slightly above-average grades, this bathroom probably isn’t one to seek out unless you’re actually already in the building. It’s grody and old — if you’re looking for quiet, there are better places to go.

—Rich

South Campus Dining Hall, floor 3

Directions: There are several ways to get to this secluded number, any of which could be locked for a lot of different reasons. The easiest way is to go in the secondary door to the main floor, which is on the same wall as the main diner entrance but farther down on the right. Once you go in this door, either walk up the stairs or take the elevator to the third floor. Be careful with that elevator though — it was dangerous enough for some intrepid journalism student to make a video about it, and then for some intrepid journalism instructors to try to kick him out of the university for it.

But no matter. Once you get to the top, walk through the two doors at the top of the steps and down the long, skinny hallway. When you get to the main hallway, turn right. It will be your first door on the right.

If the diner is closed, the large concrete steps to the left of the main diner entrance will take you to the same main hallway on the third floor. Just follow it the length of the building and it will be on your right.

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Cleanliness: D

It’s old and mistreated, and the crazy long-hairs from the radio station down the hall have a habit of getting drunk and leaving their bodily fluids lying around.

Odor: C-

It’s old and mildewy, and the room’s yellow tint doesn’t help.

Solitude: A

It’s a big bathroom, but there isn’t a reason for too many people to be up there; the Diamondback newsroom and WMUC studios are there with half of the University Counseling Center, but that’s pretty much it.

Lighting: C+

If I couldn’t see the ceiling I’d think the place was lit with a bunch of gas lamps. Really bizarre lighting not really conducive to productive reading, but I gave it a little boost because there’s almost always a newspaper lying in at least one of the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 6, manual flush

Sinks: 4, manual faucets

Notes: A very quiet locale, but leaves a lot to be desired in the way of ambience. Also, the urinals are really weird and stick out extremely far from the wall. Which doesn’t make sense. Who would design a urinal whose only practical function is to get an eyeful of the dude next to you?

—Rich