Tawes, Floor 3

Directions: Facing the side of Tawes with the fountain on it, take a right through the brick gate-type structure. There is a white door on your left which leads to a staircase. Take those stairs up to the 3rd floor and through the door. The bathroom will be on your left.

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Cleanliness: A+

Spotless. As if I was the only person in there all day.

Odor: A+

Sure you can believe it’s good, but A+ good? There was a Glade® PlugIns®.

Solitude: A+

The 3rd floor of Tawes is more or less a maze of offices. Navigate your way to this bathroom and you won’t see anyone.

Lighting: A+

A few heavenly squares on the ceiling and plenty of bright and shiny new tile to surround you with just the right amount of light at all times.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2 manual flush

Notes: Hard to beat this one. If you think you can make it up the stairs without losing control, it’s totally worth the trip. A model restroom.

—Jake

Cole Field House, concourse bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of Cole, through the lobby and onto the concourse. Turn right and walk a quarter of the way around until you come to a small lobby with the entrance to the Driskell Center in it. A small hallway on the left houses a family bathroom. Go in.

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Cleanliness: B-

It’s not a bathroom that gets a lot of cleaning attention, but it’s also very low-traffic. It’s average.

Odor: C+

Middling odor. Not really that terrible but if you were blind you’d still know you were in a bathroom.

Solitude: A+

Nobody comes around Cole Field House anymore, and you can lock the door behind you. You could probably run a business out of this place and not be in anyone’s way.

Lighting: B

Yellow lighting, not very bright but it will get the job done.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: The facilities in Cole are massive because of its former life as the home of Maryland basketball. You could really go to any of the bathrooms to get some privacy, but this one is absolutely the most secure.

—Rich

Adele H. Stamp Student Union, ground floor, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk to the Hoff Theater through whatever route you desire — it’s in the hallway branching off of the food court next to Chick-Fil-A. It’s directly across from the ticket office.

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Cleanliness: B-

Not nearly as well-maintained as the other bathrooms in Stamp, but there are still shiny faucets and a relatively crap-free stall.

Odor: C

It smells much worse than it should, and definitely worse than it looks. I may have just had bad timing, but not the best scent up in herr.

Solitude: A-

It’s a FAMILY bathroom, which means it’s actually protocol to lock the door when you come in. Still, it’s right next to the busiest location on campus, the food court, and there are almost always people hanging out right outside the door that will definitely judge you if you come scampering out of here with three newspapers and a printed copy of the Bathroom Inventory.

Lighting: B

Dimmer than most of the great bathrooms in the building, and it’s pretty dim in the stall despite a light being directly overhead. Not the best but workable.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 3 motion faucets, 1 manual faucet

Notes: In any other building, this bathroom would be an oasis. But in Stamp, it looks like crap. It definitely gets less cleaning attention than the other bathrooms, and doesn’t look nearly as nice. But it’s a great place to go to be guaranteed you won’t get disturbed.

—Rich

Woods Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door and turn right — you will see a short set of stairs on your left; go up them. It’s right there. Can’t miss it.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old and run-down to the point that it affects how you feel about yourself. But it’s not dirty.

Odor: C+

It smells like a bathroom. Which is weird, because I don’t think anyone’s been in here in like, 30 years.

Solitude: A

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male. A little less secluded than its basement cousin.

Lighting: A-

Very nice, very bright lighting expertly placed. A few points docked because it’s a strange, yellowish color.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A great bathroom in a building populated almost exclusively by women — and the stalls are wooden and look like they were stolen from some kind of goth-themed saloon.

—Rich

Woods Hall, basement level

Directions: Walk into the door on the left side of the building facing Marie Mount Hall. It’s the first door on your right.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s OLD and is aesthetically disastrous. But it’s clean.

Odor: A

Fresh and clean, dude. Fresh and clean.

Solitude: A+

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male.

Lighting: A

Very bright lighting, helped by great big privacy windows.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A solid find — it’s on the Mall, easy to get to and completely unused. The lights weren’t even on when I arrived. A fabulous, if sort-of run-down, bathroom. Enjoy. Except for the urinals. They’re freaking weird.

—Rich

And the Academy Award for weirdest-shaped urinal goes to: these pieces of crap!

WHY IS THIS CHAIR IN THE BATHROOM

Morrill Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the building and it’s directly in front of you.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s old and has random pipes popping out of weird places, but it’s almost never used and is quite clean.

Odor: A

There really isn’t anybody around to stink it up.

Solitude: A+

NO ONE IS HERE. Morrill Hall is almost exclusively TA offices and Economics meeting rooms, and even then the place has like four doors in the whole joint.

Lighting: F+

Our first “F” rating comes from the absolutely abhorrent lighting in an otherwise lovely restroom. The stalls are DARK.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: Haunted-ass Morrill Hall was built in 1898 and was one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1912. This bathroom is EXTREMELY convenient (did you even know this building was here?) and never used, but don’t expect to get any reading done. And don’t go at night.

—Rich

Geology Building, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Geology Building and turn left down the hallway. Last door at the end.

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Cleanliness: D+

It’s old and run-down and not too appealing.

Odor: D+

It stinks like a bathroom. Not helped by it being really ugly.

Solitude: A-

Is there such a thing as a geology major? Nobody’s pooping in this building. I don’t even think there are people LEARNING in this building.

Lighting: C-

Acceptable, but not on purpose.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom of pure function. There was no pride in this bathroom design; it’s a place to empty your bowels and nothing more.

—Rich

CSPAC, floor 3

Directions: Walk in the front entrance of the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center. Walk up the huge main staircase — you will see “Applause,” the little cafe thing, on your left. On your right will be the Cafritz Foundation Theatre. To the right of the Cafritz, there is a set of stairs going to a balcony.

Walk up these stairs and the entire length of the balcony — on your left you will see an elevator. Immediately before the elevator, there is an unmarked door  — walk through that door and follow the long hallway. After you turn the corner, you will see two large bulletin boards; immediately past the bulletin boards is the men’s room.

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Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a bathroom designed to impress rich donors like the ones in the lobby, but it’s still nice, and it’s still really clean.

Odor: A

Doesn’t smell like a clean bathroom; it’s a very neutral bouquet — you could close your eyes and be anywhere.

Solitude: A-

There are a lot of rehearsal rooms around, all of which are in very high demand. But there really doesn’t seem to be much bathroom traffic.

Lighting: A+

Just perfect. Bright lights at the mirror and over the stalls, slightly dimmer lights everywhere else — it’s wonderful.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom that’s accessible, but farther off the beaten path. A lot of people study in CSPAC both day and night, but most either use the bathroom on the floor below or don’t really use one. A great bathroom to use, especially at night when you don’t want to deal with the masses.

—Rich

Art-Sociology, floor 4, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Walk down the small staircase in front of you and follow the pathway around the atrium. Follow the curve of the path to the right, past the Art Library. In front of you, you will see a set of double-doors. Walk up to them, but then turn left and go through those doors instead, which will lead you into a stairway. Take this to the very top, until your only options are a door to a hallway or a door that says “DANGER: Do not enter.” Do not enter. Really. I tried. Go through the regular, non-warning door and turn left; it’s the first door on your left.

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Cleanliness: B-

It’s ugly, but it will get the job done. Like your grandma: old but as clean as it needs to be.

Odor: B+

It smells curiously of fresh lumber.

Solitude: A+

The only people up here are anthropology majors coming to fellate their TAs.

Lighting: D-

The stalls are straight DARK, yo. Dark.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: A curious facility. There are way more sinks than are necessary, and the toilet in the second stall is practically flush with the ground. Also the urinal design and placement are absolutely bizarre (see below). But overall it’s a great, lonely restroom.

—Rich

Your noble editor-in-chief, absolutely baffled by the urinals up here. Seriously whose idea was this.

Art-Sociology, floor 3, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Turn right down the short hallway and go into the elevator. Choose “3F” and take that mean, double-sided bastard up. At floor 3F, turn right. It will be one of the first doors on the right.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old, but it’s not dirty. Say, weathered.

Odor: A-

First impressions of this place are “kind of grody,” but it really smells fine.

Solitude: A-

Really nothing going on up here, class-wise, and everything else is sociology TAs. And they’re too busy crying about the world to ever get around to pooping.

Lighting: D

There are lights, but they are stupid. That is all.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Note: Not bad at all, and probably easier to get to than the other secluded options in Art-Soc. Plus it probably has a considerable amount of history attached to it, because there is no way it’s been renovated since the building was built in 1976.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, floor 3

Directions: Get yo’ self to the main staircase in Tydings and take it up to the third floor. Head left and then right at the end of the hall so you see the GVPT advising office. It is on your right.

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Cleanliness: D

With a hideous pattern of random browns and beiges disgracing the floor and the walls, the old bathroom is either actually clean or just does a great job of letting dirt blend in. The problem here is the unreliable toilets. Towards the end of the day, it seems like these three struggle to force down those extra-large dumps.

Odor: B

Not cleaning product, not excrement; just there. With public bathrooms, one assumes any smell is a bad smell, but the lingering scent here is nothing to complain about.

Solitude: A-

The third floor of Tydings has more advising offices than classrooms, which are all small discussion sections anyway. You’re likely better off here than other bathrooms in the building, which all have fairly small cramped stalls anyway.

Lighting: B-

The dim yellow does it’s job well enough, and actually kinda complements the ugly color scheme. It sort of gives off a nostalgic old middle school bathroom vibe. But a good old bathroom. One with character.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: THANK GOODNESS the brilliant bathroom architect put a wall almost right in front of the door so those who walk in can’t peek at people washing their hands. Also of note: the bathrooms in Tydings have a little shelf you can hang your bags or place your notebooks or hide your drugs. When the toilets are flowing, this bathroom is a great place for a quiet shit. Unfortunately, the toilets aren’t always flowing.

—Jake