Tydings Hall, floor 1

Directions: Go in the ground-floor entrance at the mall side of the building and go up the main stairs one flight. Apparently when they built this building during the Revolutionary War they didn’t understand that the “first” floor meant the “first one you get to when you walk in the damned door.” But go up the steps and turn left. Follow the hallway around one corner and it will be on your right.

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Cleanliness: C-

It’s not gross, it’s just old. Which, if you’ve ever been to a nursing home, are two adjectives that are easily confused.

Odor: D+

Could have just been the suspicious-looking kid that was shuffling out, but a field of spring flowers this joint is not.

Solitude: F

Disastrously overcrowded.

Lighting: D+

It feels like the weird brown tile is sucking up all the light in here. You won’t get any reading done here.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucets (useless.)

Note: It’s old. There’s nothing you can really do about that other than the old “build a new bathroom” approach, so you’ll have to deal with that. What you might not be able to deal with  are the SINKS. They’re horrible. A “drizzle” is being generous here. Completely unfunctioning. It’s also got those old-style urinals that are pretty much inviting all the weird unbalanced freshmen to check out your coin purse.

—Rich

Computer and Space Sciences, Floor 1

Directions: Walk into the doors under the gigantic OIT sign. Make a right and the bathroom will be on your left.

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Cleanliness: C

Everything seemed in order when I walked in, but a quick scan of the stalls revealed that people are too worried about their broken computers to clean up after themselves. Plus the automatic facilities have a massive splash zone. More on that later.

Odor: A

Nothing out of the ordinary or unpleasant.

Solitude: C

Right next to OIT, around a bunch of science classrooms, and not a great place to pick your boogers in front of a mirror in private.

Lighting: A+

Everywhere was nice and bright using an eco-friendly amount of lighting equipment!

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucet

Notes: The urinal is absurdly tiny. The obnoxious stall toilets were made so hyper-sensitive to motion by those damn computer scientists that they will flush unprovoked multiple times and with violent rapidity while you just sit there. Seriously. For a second I thought I was using a bidet.

You don’t want to shit here.

–Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 1

Directions: Enter SQH from the main entrance, across from Commons 1 and 2, and head into the hallway more or less straight across from you. The bathroom is on your right in there.

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Cleanliness: C+

With water consistently on the floor, one has to wonder what the hell is so leaky in here. I shudder to think. Imagine a bunch of shallow pools covering a marble gray floor. Because that is what it is.

Odor: A

It smells fine… the air is just really cold.

Solitude: D

Near a busy entrance to a building full of busy discussion classrooms, this bathroom is usually occupied. Or there will be people hanging out right near it. Because that’s cool.

Lighting: D

Only two small square lights on the ceiling here, neither of which are over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Notes: OK for a piss break or grabbing a tissue, otherwise just keep walking.

—Jake

Woods Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door and turn right — you will see a short set of stairs on your left; go up them. It’s right there. Can’t miss it.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old and run-down to the point that it affects how you feel about yourself. But it’s not dirty.

Odor: C+

It smells like a bathroom. Which is weird, because I don’t think anyone’s been in here in like, 30 years.

Solitude: A

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male. A little less secluded than its basement cousin.

Lighting: A-

Very nice, very bright lighting expertly placed. A few points docked because it’s a strange, yellowish color.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A great bathroom in a building populated almost exclusively by women — and the stalls are wooden and look like they were stolen from some kind of goth-themed saloon.

—Rich

Regents Drive Parking Garage, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the garage’s Stadium Drive entrance; a door on the right side of the building facing the Computer and Space Sciences Building. Go down the stairs and through the door; turn left and walk into the computer lab that you see in front of you. It will be on the back wall.

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Cleanliness: C-

Apparently people are in such a rush to get back to the computer cave that flushing is optional. Also… it’s just kind of grody. Like the bathrooms you see in zombie movies right after they figure out how to work the generators.

Odor: D+

It’s in a dark, dank and drippy basement of a parking lot. Guess how it smells. The answer is actually a little better than the stairs down there, but still. Not delicious.

Solitude: B

Points for rarity. The lab might be full, but it will be full of a hip, in-the-know crowd. You know… the kind of awesome dudes that are in a computer lab in the basement of a parking garage in the middle of the night wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a thousand-yard stare.

Lighting: A

Plenty of lights in a tiny, tiny space, and the best ones are right over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BAT LAAAAB! It’s a totally rando bathroom in a totally rando computer lab. Not nearly nice enough or secluded enough to become a regular pooping locale, but a great trip to make… once.

—Jake and Rich

(Oh, and “Zemen Habtemariam” — you left your name tag on the wall. Don’t worry. We got it for you. Let us know where you want to pick it up.)

Art-Sociology, floor 3, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the Art-Sociology Building through the door on the plaza between Benjamin, Tawes, and Art-Soc. Turn right down the short hallway and go into the elevator. Choose “3F” and take that mean, double-sided bastard up. At floor 3F, turn right. It will be one of the first doors on the right.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s old, but it’s not dirty. Say, weathered.

Odor: A-

First impressions of this place are “kind of grody,” but it really smells fine.

Solitude: A-

Really nothing going on up here, class-wise, and everything else is sociology TAs. And they’re too busy crying about the world to ever get around to pooping.

Lighting: D

There are lights, but they are stupid. That is all.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Note: Not bad at all, and probably easier to get to than the other secluded options in Art-Soc. Plus it probably has a considerable amount of history attached to it, because there is no way it’s been renovated since the building was built in 1976.

—Rich

Tydings Hall, ground floor

Directions: Enter through the front door, under the large concrete balcony, and take a left. On your left.

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Cleanliness: C

The problem with Tydings is the toilets just don’t always flush. And the floors are ugly.

Odor: A-

Definitely a strong point here. My nose was baffled when I entered and it picked up a smell that could almost be described as fresh.

Solitude: D

This is the lone bathroom on a floor full of large discussion classrooms and a short walk away from the largest lecture hall on campus. People are going to be in here.

Lighting: A

Bright, but not obnoxious, the fluorescents in here nicely illuminate the whole room. Bring your own reading material or sit back and enjoy the douchey graffiti on the walls that would make ol’ Senator Millard proud.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucets

Note: Good luck getting out of the smaller stall. In another bonehead move by the Tydings bathroom designer, the door to that stall opens inside, creating an uncomfortably tight squeeze when trying to escape the already cramped toilet space.

—Jake

Lefrak Hall, basement level

Directions: Enter Lefrak through the entrance directly across from the South Campus Diner. The bathroom is the first thing on your right.

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Cleanliness: C-

Everything seemed pleasantly in order, until I entered the lone stall. At time of review, the automatic-flush toilet was full of a pretty nasty combo-job and a hefty heaping of TP. Without flushability in this spacious pooper, one can’t help wonder what could have been.

Odor: A-

It’s clean other than the inside of that toilet bowl, and the smell reflects that.

Solitude: B

Located right near an entrance, it can be a popular stop for quick pees. However, the stall is rather roomy and is an ideal bathroom to run to after too many wings at diner late night.

Lighting: B-

Overall not bad. One can’t help but ask why the stall’s light was placed over the door and not the toilet, but if you struggle opening doors in anything other than direct light, odds are you won’t be reading anything anyway.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush, OUT OF ORDER

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 3, manual faucet

Notes: A potential gem of a late-night dining getaway is squandered, at least temporarily, by a useless toilet. Rest assured, the dedicated crew here at UMDBI will work tirelessly to make sure you know when this bad boy gets back up on its feet so the diner’s finest won’t get the best of you.

—Jake

Thirsty Turtle employee bathroom

Directions: Walk into the Thirsty Turtle and head straight ahead, into the rearmost bar area. Running the length of the back wall, you will see the raised DJ platform. Against the right wall, there is a door. Go through the door and turn to your right — you will see a short set of steps going down to a door. Go through this door and walk through the first door on your left. The only door in this room is the bathroom.

WARNING: If Turtle security catches you back here, there is a 100% probability that you will be choked out. Exercise caution and respect the facility. Be a pooper, not a shithead.

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Cleanliness: C

It’s a bathroom that isn’t open to the public and almost never used for recreational number-twos, so there really isn’t much reason to clean it as well as the super-bleached ones in the bar. But you don’t have to worry about piss on the floor or anything; for the most part, Turtle employees are a sanitary lot.

Odor: B

Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in there. But in my many ventures back there, it never smelled bad.

Solitude: A

It’s a solo bathroom; once you’re in nobody is going to walk in on you. There might be a knock or two, but nobody’s going to bother you here.

Lighting: A-

Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a concern. I can’t imagine what kind of person would bring literature to the Thirsty Turtle.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, manual flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: It’s there, it’s easy enough to get to, and it’s got a great solitude rating. If you’re just the right amount of drunk and you’re trying to impress a girl, go for it. If you’re too drunk, don’t. DON’T. You’re going to catch a forearm to the trachea.

—Rich

Your esteemed editor in chief, bouncing at the Thirsty Turtle in summer 2009.

Architecture Building, ground floor

Directions: Walk in the main door of the Architecture Building, the one across the street from Art-Soc with the bridge leading up to it. Once inside, you’ll see a set of steps to your left. Take them down to the ground floor — you’ll be in the student pseudo-lounge, and you’ll see a glass wall with doors in front of you. Walk through those doors and it will be on your left. If you get to the entrance of the Kibel Gallery, you’ve gone too far.

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Cleanliness: C-

It’s old and painted the color of orange sherbet. There are cracked tiles everywhere and a chunk of wall is gone from underneath one of the sinks.

Odor: C-

Generally unpleasant scent. I can’t tell if it’s actually that bad though, because it was horrible when I walked in and then I couldn’t smell it anymore, but I left and came back 10 minutes later and it stank again. The nose is a curious organ.

Solitude: A-

I’m guessing traffic heats up when big architecture projects are due for the upperclassmen, whose studios are right down the hall, but other than that this is a well-hidden little place. Also, there are several cool galleries around that nobody seems to care about people wandering around in.

Lighting: A-

When you walk in you’d think it was terrible. But there is really a perfectly fine level of light in the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: Architecture majors are a weird lot, and their building is this really strange balance between cool and decrepit. Despite the slightly above-average grades, this bathroom probably isn’t one to seek out unless you’re actually already in the building. It’s grody and old — if you’re looking for quiet, there are better places to go.

—Rich

Bio-Psych, floor 1, bathroom 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the Bioscience Research Building, on Hornbake Plaza. Turn right and walk through the glass door, then walk straight across the Biology-Psychology Building lobby and through the second set of doors immediately in front of you. It will be in a small alcove directly to your left.

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Cleanliness: C+

It’s probably not particularly dirty, but the lighting and weird green paint makes it look a little gross.

Odor: B-

It’s got a bathroomy smell to it, but nothing that’ll cause dry-heaves.

Solitude: B-

It’s in a very well-travelled hallway, but it’s hard to find unless you’re looking for it.

Lighting: D+

It’s not dark, it’s just… weird. Very yellow and occasionally flickery. Much closer to “creepy” than “cozy.”

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 2 motion faucets

Notes: A cool little bathroom that makes up for its poor aesthetics with a unique location.

—Rich