Category Archives: A

Tawes, Floor 3

Directions: Facing the side of Tawes with the fountain on it, take a right through the brick gate-type structure. There is a white door on your left which leads to a staircase. Take those stairs up to the 3rd floor and through the door. The bathroom will be on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A+

Spotless. As if I was the only person in there all day.

Odor: A+

Sure you can believe it’s good, but A+ good? There was a Glade® PlugIns®.

Solitude: A+

The 3rd floor of Tawes is more or less a maze of offices. Navigate your way to this bathroom and you won’t see anyone.

Lighting: A+

A few heavenly squares on the ceiling and plenty of bright and shiny new tile to surround you with just the right amount of light at all times.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2 manual flush

Notes: Hard to beat this one. If you think you can make it up the stairs without losing control, it’s totally worth the trip. A model restroom.

—Jake

Woods Hall, basement level

Directions: Walk into the door on the left side of the building facing Marie Mount Hall. It’s the first door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s OLD and is aesthetically disastrous. But it’s clean.

Odor: A

Fresh and clean, dude. Fresh and clean.

Solitude: A+

Woods Hall is the BEST. It’s the academic home of two majors without ANY GUYS — Women’s Studies and Anthropology. Seriously. I walked all over this building and did not see a single male.

Lighting: A

Very bright lighting, helped by great big privacy windows.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 3, motion flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A solid find — it’s on the Mall, easy to get to and completely unused. The lights weren’t even on when I arrived. A fabulous, if sort-of run-down, bathroom. Enjoy. Except for the urinals. They’re freaking weird.

—Rich

And the Academy Award for weirdest-shaped urinal goes to: these pieces of crap!

WHY IS THIS CHAIR IN THE BATHROOM

Morrill Hall, floor 1

Directions: Walk into the main door of the building and it’s directly in front of you.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s old and has random pipes popping out of weird places, but it’s almost never used and is quite clean.

Odor: A

There really isn’t anybody around to stink it up.

Solitude: A+

NO ONE IS HERE. Morrill Hall is almost exclusively TA offices and Economics meeting rooms, and even then the place has like four doors in the whole joint.

Lighting: F+

Our first “F” rating comes from the absolutely abhorrent lighting in an otherwise lovely restroom. The stalls are DARK.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, manual flush

Sinks: 2, motion faucets

Notes: Haunted-ass Morrill Hall was built in 1898 and was one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1912. This bathroom is EXTREMELY convenient (did you even know this building was here?) and never used, but don’t expect to get any reading done. And don’t go at night.

—Rich

CSPAC, floor 3

Directions: Walk in the front entrance of the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center. Walk up the huge main staircase — you will see “Applause,” the little cafe thing, on your left. On your right will be the Cafritz Foundation Theatre. To the right of the Cafritz, there is a set of stairs going to a balcony.

Walk up these stairs and the entire length of the balcony — on your left you will see an elevator. Immediately before the elevator, there is an unmarked door  — walk through that door and follow the long hallway. After you turn the corner, you will see two large bulletin boards; immediately past the bulletin boards is the men’s room.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a bathroom designed to impress rich donors like the ones in the lobby, but it’s still nice, and it’s still really clean.

Odor: A

Doesn’t smell like a clean bathroom; it’s a very neutral bouquet — you could close your eyes and be anywhere.

Solitude: A-

There are a lot of rehearsal rooms around, all of which are in very high demand. But there really doesn’t seem to be much bathroom traffic.

Lighting: A+

Just perfect. Bright lights at the mirror and over the stalls, slightly dimmer lights everywhere else — it’s wonderful.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 3, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: A bathroom that’s accessible, but farther off the beaten path. A lot of people study in CSPAC both day and night, but most either use the bathroom on the floor below or don’t really use one. A great bathroom to use, especially at night when you don’t want to deal with the masses.

—Rich

Stamp Student Union, second floor, bathroom one

Directions: Walk in the main door of Stamp and turn left down the hallway. You will see a small alcove with weird brass mailboxes on the left, and there will be a door to a set of stairs. Take the stairs up one level and walk through the door to the second floor. Immediately turn left; it will be the only door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A+

It’s in the building that is considered to be the hub of all campus activity. A lot of people use it, and the conferences held up here are usually fancy speaking engagements and whatnot so they definitely pay attention to appearances. Also, the faucets GLIMMER like the smile of a unicorn and there’s two-ply toilet paper.

Odor: A+

It smells clean without that “public swimming pool” aroma.

Solitude: A-

There are frequently events held in the rooms up here, but there are a ton of stalls and it’s definitely not a high-traffic area.

Lighting: A+

Soft lighting in most of the room, gleaming florescents over the stalls. Perfection.

Facilities

Stalls: 6, motion flush

Urinals: 2, motion flush

Sinks: 4, motion faucet

Notes: A beautiful (and very accessible) bathroom certainly not made that way for the benefit of UMD students. Take advantage! And don’t worry about the crowds around the second floor — they’re always busy, and seem to much prefer going downstairs for some reason.

—Rich

Health Center, first floor

Directions: Walk into the front door of the Health Center and past the red phone booth. Turn down the first hallway on your left; it’s the first door on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A-

It’s not a new bathroom, but it appears to be cleaned pretty frequently.

Odor: A

Great, clean smell. That’s all. Like a hug from somebody you like a little bit — nothing to write home about, but it’s still nice.

Solitude: A-

It’s a solo bathroom that many folks either don’t consider using or don’t have the guts to go into — it’s easy to get to and still not very popular.

Lighting: A-

Maybe almost too bright, especially for the poor souls stumbling into the Health Center with swine flu or syphilis or whatever.

Facilities

Stalls: 1, motion flush

Urinals: 0

Sinks: 1, manual faucet

Notes: A great bathroom that provides a fabulous alternative to the high-traffic ones across the street in Stamp; it’s kind of awkward to have to knock whenever you have to use it, but if you can get past that, you’re golden.

—Rich

Armory, basement level

Directions: Walk into the Armory using the door on the side of the building facing the Lee Building; the door farthest away from the Administration Building. Turn down the first hallway on your right. It’s the only door on your right.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A

It’s humongous but hardly ever used. Whatever filth would accumulate there is spread out over the collective area of what I believe to be the second-largest bathroom on campus.

Odor: A+

It actually smells like fresh air in here! Not piss, not cleaning supplies, not trying to smell like fresh air, it’s just… nice.

Solitude: A-

It’s actually pretty well-traveled, but there are eight stalls. Seriously. You’re not going to have to worry about somebody trying to play footsie with you.

Lighting: A-

It’s like daylight in there. Lighting isn’t positioned directly over the stalls, but it’s bright enough outside to make its way in.

Facilities

Stalls: 8, manual flush

Urinals: 9, motion flush

Sinks: 5, motion faucets

Notes: A great bathroom, despite it being sort of out of the way. Also, there’s a great water fountain outside the door and a newspaper stand just feet away.

—Rich