Author Archives: jakesauce

Tawes, Floor 3

Directions: Facing the side of Tawes with the fountain on it, take a right through the brick gate-type structure. There is a white door on your left which leads to a staircase. Take those stairs up to the 3rd floor and through the door. The bathroom will be on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: A+

Spotless. As if I was the only person in there all day.

Odor: A+

Sure you can believe it’s good, but A+ good? There was a Glade® PlugIns®.

Solitude: A+

The 3rd floor of Tawes is more or less a maze of offices. Navigate your way to this bathroom and you won’t see anyone.

Lighting: A+

A few heavenly squares on the ceiling and plenty of bright and shiny new tile to surround you with just the right amount of light at all times.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2 manual flush

Notes: Hard to beat this one. If you think you can make it up the stairs without losing control, it’s totally worth the trip. A model restroom.

—Jake

Computer and Space Sciences, Floor 1

Directions: Walk into the doors under the gigantic OIT sign. Make a right and the bathroom will be on your left.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C

Everything seemed in order when I walked in, but a quick scan of the stalls revealed that people are too worried about their broken computers to clean up after themselves. Plus the automatic facilities have a massive splash zone. More on that later.

Odor: A

Nothing out of the ordinary or unpleasant.

Solitude: C

Right next to OIT, around a bunch of science classrooms, and not a great place to pick your boogers in front of a mirror in private.

Lighting: A+

Everywhere was nice and bright using an eco-friendly amount of lighting equipment!

Facilities

Stalls: 2, motion flush

Urinals: 1, motion flush

Sinks: 2, automatic faucet

Notes: The urinal is absurdly tiny. The obnoxious stall toilets were made so hyper-sensitive to motion by those damn computer scientists that they will flush unprovoked multiple times and with violent rapidity while you just sit there. Seriously. For a second I thought I was using a bidet.

You don’t want to shit here.

–Jake

A Triumphant Return: Apology, Transformation, and my thoughts on Justin Bieber

It feels good to be back.

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t reviewed any new bathrooms, or even stopped in to say hi. I am sorry. Finals week restricted my bathroom exploration time significantly. Unfortunately, I am no longer residing in College Park, and in all likelihood, none of you care about light fixtures in my home bathrooms. BUT! I want to keep contributing, so barring an overwhelmingly negative response, I have decided that I’m basically just gonna put up a bunch of videos and, from time to time, post my thoughts on the day’s most and/or least pressing issues.

So here goes.

Justin Bieber is all over the place. Especially twitter. People are always making a fuss over him and he has become quite controversial. I have no problem with him; I see the appeal. Personally, I don’t think he deserves some of the criticism he receives. He’s just a kid and that one guy says German in a MAD weird voice, yo.

But I understand why people hate him. More than anyone else, Bieber typifies the manufactured artist. A cute little boy, with a ridiculous haircut that is apparently enthralling to tween girls, passable singing ability, and enough strength to hold a guitar in front of him gets spotted on YouTube and is thrust into the mainstream. Check out his wiki. His look is supposed to be his own, yet he employed a “swagger coach”. What? He’s gotten writing credits on a few of his songs, so props for that. But it has always been with a posse of other pros. It doesn’t matter how forced it is that a little kid who could pass for a baby is singing a song where he affectionately calls a girl baby. It doesn’t matter that his debut CD was 7 songs clocking in at a whopping 25 minutes, because people still paid full price for it.

It should matter though.

Good for this kid for doing his thing, but America, you should feel ashamed. People used to make music that meant something, and contrary to popular belief, it they still do. The unfortunate reality is that they are overshadowed by all the musicians out there who are about as unique and exciting as a box of reduced-fat Triscuits. There is nothing inherently wrong with the generic, but there is something wrong with settling for it just because it is forced down your throat. I am not afraid to admit that I enjoy a few of JB’s melodies, but his songs will never mean anything real to me. Probably because they don’t mean anything. They are merely symbols of an industry takeover of the most beautiful form of art.

Here’s a summary of my thoughts: even though Justin Bieber has some catchy songs, he has no business being as wildly popular as he is because in reality, he’s just a kid with a nice face which increases the love little girls have for the songs he sings about relationships and loves that other people wrote about. It’s about being real people.

But “Baby” is still a ballin’ song.

That’s all for now. It’s great to be back in the only place I love more than CP: the Internet.

–Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 1

Directions: Enter SQH from the main entrance, across from Commons 1 and 2, and head into the hallway more or less straight across from you. The bathroom is on your right in there.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C+

With water consistently on the floor, one has to wonder what the hell is so leaky in here. I shudder to think. Imagine a bunch of shallow pools covering a marble gray floor. Because that is what it is.

Odor: A

It smells fine… the air is just really cold.

Solitude: D

Near a busy entrance to a building full of busy discussion classrooms, this bathroom is usually occupied. Or there will be people hanging out right near it. Because that’s cool.

Lighting: D

Only two small square lights on the ceiling here, neither of which are over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 3, automatic faucets

Notes: OK for a piss break or grabbing a tissue, otherwise just keep walking.

—Jake

Susquehanna Hall, floor 2

Directions: Enter SQH through the side door faces the South Campus Dining Hall. Take the stairs immediately to your right up one floor. Go left to the end of the hallway, then right,  and then I think you go right again but if you get lost the bathroom has a room number: 21-A. Obviously it wasn’t that memorable.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: B

Better than the first floor because it’s less wet. Still doesn’t appear to be attended to very often.

Odor: A

I think. Maybe my nose is just that stuffed.

Solitude: C

Again, better than the first floor alternative but there are a lot of rooms in use up here to.

Lighting: C-

More light manages to seep through to the stalls here. Basically I’m telling you this is just a slightly better version of the bathroom on the first floor. And that one wasn’t very good.

Facilities

Stalls: 3, automatic flush

Urinals: 3, automatic flush

Sinks: 4, automatic faucets

Notes: Another below-average bathroom, except for whatever reason, this one has a little foyer between the hallway door and the bathroom door. Two doors. An obvious warning sign: go elsewhere.

—Jake

Mash Potatoes

Mash-ups rock. Check out this fresh movie video mash that puts great movie lines to music and makes magic happen. The chorus features a sweetly delivered line from one of the greatest actors of our generation.



Righteous.

—Jake

Regents Drive Parking Garage, floor 1

Directions: Walk in the garage’s Stadium Drive entrance; a door on the right side of the building facing the Computer and Space Sciences Building. Go down the stairs and through the door; turn left and walk into the computer lab that you see in front of you. It will be on the back wall.

REPORT CARD

Cleanliness: C-

Apparently people are in such a rush to get back to the computer cave that flushing is optional. Also… it’s just kind of grody. Like the bathrooms you see in zombie movies right after they figure out how to work the generators.

Odor: D+

It’s in a dark, dank and drippy basement of a parking lot. Guess how it smells. The answer is actually a little better than the stairs down there, but still. Not delicious.

Solitude: B

Points for rarity. The lab might be full, but it will be full of a hip, in-the-know crowd. You know… the kind of awesome dudes that are in a computer lab in the basement of a parking garage in the middle of the night wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a thousand-yard stare.

Lighting: A

Plenty of lights in a tiny, tiny space, and the best ones are right over the stalls.

Facilities

Stalls: 2, manual flush

Urinals: 2, manual flush

Sinks: 2, manual faucets

Notes: nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BAT LAAAAB! It’s a totally rando bathroom in a totally rando computer lab. Not nearly nice enough or secluded enough to become a regular pooping locale, but a great trip to make… once.

—Jake and Rich

(Oh, and “Zemen Habtemariam” — you left your name tag on the wall. Don’t worry. We got it for you. Let us know where you want to pick it up.)